What I Wonder Is…(Ugly Moment)

My goodness I cannot get you off my mind. I have sat down to write you, text you or just chat on Facebook and I realize it won’t come back. I wonder what your email inbox looks like. Emails from me where I forgot. I just spent the last hour looking at all your comments on my blog. Man you always supported my writing and loved reading it.

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You would know what to say and what to do. The words that gave me strength and I needed it now. I was hoping to pull some sort of something to make the day a little brighter and my load a little less heavy. And it I did. I just wish it was here and it was now because I need it.

But life doesn’t work that way. I remember one day we were watching Oprah and she had Forest Whitaker on there and he said my most favorite quote ever. I still say it every year in my class at least 100x because I believe it.

“You gotta do what you gotta do, to do what you wanna do.” 

That day that quote struck my heart as I was a teen who felt this fire within in and didn’t know how to keep it ignited. I knew very little other than I loved a lot and I loved loyally. I knew I didn’t fall for much and I didn’t stand for much. But Forest got me that day and you said, “Shannon, remember that. It is true. All those dreams you have, you have to make them come true, they aren’t coming to you.”

I think I have pretty much lived my life doing that since. But I can’t tell you about it. I suppose I could email. I talk to you in my head, but then I remind myself you know my heart. I talk to my guy about it because you always knew he would take care of me and love me right. You may have even believed in him before I did. And thank God I figured it out. He is the love of my life and keeps me moving in the right direction. But it was you that pushed me.

But there is still a hole. I still miss it all. I miss not knowing someone is in my corner. I miss not having to apologize for who I am and the way I believe. I miss you reminding me that I don’t have to ever. I need that reminder more than just a running reel in my head.

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