What I was trying to say and didn’t.

Is that this journey has never been about losing weight. It was about me forcing myself to make time for me. I worry too much about every one else to the point there is often nothing left for me. I let that happen. I am there again. Grateful my eating is on point or this conversation would be very different.

But the last three weeks I have been handed a lot. A lot of things I cannot even come close to discussing here on the blog, but not because I don’t want to. But because they aren’t mine to share. But it has forced me into hyper protection mode and I feel consumed with that need to protect my family and friends. It feels like sometimes there is just always going to be those challenges in my life and the fact that I need to remain quiet makes it seem so much more dramatic than it is.  But honestly, it is a speed bump. A blip on the radar. But it is ALL consuming. Thankfully, I know what I am doing and will be the momma, wife and friend that God entrusted me to be.

But a super exciting thing I am doing is working on a huge project I intend to accomplish next summer. I guess I get bored in the summer, so I create these gigantic things that seem impossible to make happen when looking at the hole of them. But then somehow I put my mind to it and I do it. Well I am there again. I am planning something so amazing that I cannot wait to share. It will bless my family. It will bless me. It will bless my position. But it does have to wait. There is a lot more territory that has to be covered before I can even begin to think of sharing any of it. But what I can tell you that it has consumed any and all of my down time which I have very little of.

Oh and graduation. Yes graduation. I am the junior/senior class sponsor so yea our inaugural graduation is happening in June so of course it is all I can think about and do. I It is basically like planning a wedding, but with dignitaries. Thankfully, I work with awesome people and I am not handling anything alone. Oh and our first prom…yea that is in April. Planning that too. Wedding like too. But again same thing. Awesome co-workers who help so very much! We are a great supportive bunch and for that I am grateful.

Ahhh I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have a full plate. I am so very grateful I love my family. I love my job. I love that I have been placed in such amazing places. It makes the difficult times feel a little less difficult. And trust me I won’t ever paint a picture that they aren’t.

TN has re-emerged. AKA the summer remission has ended. We will see what that means. For now, the pain is manageable with the smaller dose of meds. I pray and hope that is the only conversation we have about this. It was nice breathing for a few months where I didn’t sit on edge worried. Not that the worry ever goes away. It doesn’t. But the seasonal remission let us feel normal for a few months.

Every school year I tackle a new goal. The first year at my current school year it was tackling how to teach high school. The next year was tackling how to work with co-workers effectively. The following was conquering being a dual credit English teacher which is basically a college instructor in a room full of 16-17 year olds. That sounds easy, but it is NOT the same as a room full of 18-70 year olds. This year it is about balancing work and family life. This has needed to happen for awhile. I have to start saying no more and being okay with it.

So yes I could use every single one of these as an excuse not to show up for myself every day. I have so many students that need me and my attention. I have a job and a leadership role there that needs my attention. I have a family that needs my attention. But I have to remember I cannot be there for any of them like I need to be if I am not giving myself 100% first. Other wise they get the tired, unhealthy version of me that really just wants another piece of crappy food, more caffeine and to survive minute to minute. This is about surviving life as the absolute best version of myself that I can create and maintain every single day. That doesn’t happen if I complain my way through every single day.

I must surround myself with people that support that goal and that are supportive when I am not my best version of myself.

Love is kind.

Love is patient.

Love always wins.

You just have to let it. 

And today I am proud because I am strong. I am loved and I am needed.

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