I needed a win in my column this week. I noticed something that I stopped doing and that I hadn’t been doing for awhile, but now I am doing again and I am really mad at myself. I avoid seeing myself in the mirror or body and when I do I am disgusted. I even talk so crappy to myself in my head. I am not talking about when I am curling my hair or putting on make up.
I learned a long time ago the value of self talk from my therapy with my OCD. I know how important it can be to talk yourself up or down. And boy howdy have I been on the down. Yesterday, I took my ladies shopping and I needed jeans. I haven’t purchased any since the weight loss and I know eventually it will be colder. I wanted GAP jeans because I haven’t worn GAP jeans since I was in high school. I tried them on and didn’t even look at myself in the mirror and you know why? Because when I tried them on I looked down and I felt shame for the way I looked and I immediately felt disgust.
My question is why? Why do I deserve to do that to myself? I have worked so hard and lost so much weight. I still shock someone daily. My students compare me to a pencil and somehow I still disgust myself because my skin in my stomach sags? Or because I hate, hate, hate the ugly stretch marks that on my arms, legs and thighs? I don’t get it. I know logically that isn’t fair, but I still do it. And what in the world would I tell my girls if they did that to themselves?
And honestly I didn’t feel like that two weeks ago or a month ago? Is it because the last month has been super stressful at work? I still work out daily. I haven’t slacked. I have had a few butterfingers or maybe I couldn’t run as hard. And somehow I have equated that in my head to giving in and took to mentally beating the crap out of myself.
And that makes me so angry. Why am I the first one to be so darn hard on myself? I deserve better. I need to be a better role model for my daughters. The biggest thing I believe that has changed is my attitude and that is because I am tired. I get up so early and I am struggling with going to bed so early to accommodate that.
So I did what I knew would hopefully be kind to me and give me the “umpf” I need to kick my own butt and I literally did it. First off, I bought new work out clothes. Not a lot, but all smalls. This alone is a huge boost. But I didn’t try them on and I somehow convinced myself by the time I got home they wouldn’t fit. But guess what…THEY DID!
Then yesterday on the treadmill I was killing it with a 8 something mile. Me an 8 mile and twice!!! What? I thought it was a fluke and then today I did sprint intervals and did it again. This time they were outside which is markedly harder than a treadmill. My one minute interval miles were kicking my summer normal 1 mile run times butt. This to me suggests I am getting better and better and I need to focus on that.
I don’t know where Negative Mommy Rhetoric came from, but I keep reminding her she needs to go! And then I move. The last three days I have put so many miles on my new running shoes to shut her up because in my experience that is the only way I have ever been able to shut her up. To love myself up and to be sure I have time to kick my own butt.
Lost my weight I gained and lost one more and I lost four inches this week. My eating is on point. I am hanging around 1200-1400 calories. I cut back on carbs just a smidge because I wondered if that didn’t contribute a little to gain. I was still in a good range, but I think I was having more than I was this summer.