Playing a dangerous game.

I have identified my weakness. It started out using food to comfort, but there is another layer. It is demanding time for myself. It is so easy for me to move about a regular day and take absolutely no time for myself. And yes I get up in the morning and get my girls ready and moving and then off to teach. All of that is a choice and something I love.

But it doesn’t give me the love and care I need to survive. Something changed in me in the last year. Something that demands attention and when it doesn’t get it I feel it. I feel weighed down. I feel eager to have it. I feel angsty when I don’t have it.

When one rope is loose the rest is too! When I don’t put caring for myself at the top of the list I literally just keep falling and falling…Lower and Lower. That is exactly what has been happening for the last few weeks.

I was rightfully consumed with my family, school, the musical and finally my graduate work. So much so that my workout time was SMOOSHED in. My eating thankfully was good, but not at peak like it could be.

Finally last week it had to go all together. No workouts. But miles upon miles walked. But still no dedicated time to me. Those miles were spent chasing a prop, working a light cue, directing and doing teaching things. They weren’t miles spent dedicated to me. To my brain. To relax.

And I am paying the price. I am tired. I feel heavy. I feel put upon and left behind. I feel like I sacrificed a lot and I cannot be happy with what I see in the mirror.  When those moments come you have to be selfish and steal them back.

They are your moments. A moment came on Saturday where I felt left IMG_4217behind. I met myself coming and going and I realized that when I give more than others, it is time again for me. I lost it again. I will probably do it again too. But I know my breaking point. I saw it. I grasped for more.

I took a picture of myself eating an apple today. That is me caring for me. That apple, that mirror, that moment was for me. No one else. It was after my work out where I sweat. It was after I felt better than I have in four days. I liked what looked back at me for just a minute.

Pretty face. The brownest eyes. A woman fighting for herself. I love every single curve. I love all the smile wrinkles. I love that I am getting better and better at seeing and knowing where my limits are. The dangerous game of slipping into oblivion will never happen again. The moments where others come before myself. It is in the distance.

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