I fight big battles, in small ways.

The values of what I have learned about myself in the last 11 months are so numerous. I literally think about it daily. Much of this journey has felt selfish and self serving and that is probably because it is. But there is something so valuable about the last year that I cannot even think about without crying.

There has been a lot happening in the background that partially isn’t blogworthy and partially it isn’t meant for blog consumption. A territory  I am not brave enough to venture to publicly. Maybe someday I will be or not. But to deal with why things got as bad as they got with my taking care of myself I had to deal with some demons. I had to explore places where I didn’t really want to explore.

But I did it. I still do it daily. The battles always rage on in life. One battle is in our rear view mirror and if we look to long we run into another on the horizon. For awhile I beat myself up for that. This idea that I created this mess of a life around me. But I realized soon that I don’t create these battles. I just speak about them.

I don’t choose to suffer alone in the dark lit up by my refrigerator light or as I sneak another candy bar in the check out line at Walmart. I have recognized the things I am willing to accept and the things I am not. My lines in the sand are becoming more and more apparent because I can see passed all the crap.

I know what true friendships look like. My stance seems very clear on most everything now. Things that are worth my time and effort and things that are not. I can only control what I can control. Things or people I cannot I have to say good bye to. Sometimes that hurts. The hurt though, in my experience, is replaced by more self love. Loving myself enough to say I deserve better.

The more I let some of this baggage go the more free I feel. The less I feel tied down to people, places, ideas, and things. The heart of what really matters becomes more and more clear.

If those things can’t be in my life at its worst, it certainly doesn’t deserve a spot at the table in the best. That is what this journey has taught me. I can’t take the complete battle on all at once, but I can in small increments of time, self love and persistence.

That my faithful blog readers is strength in its rarest form. By golly I have personal strength like never ever before. The ability to say no to what doesn’t promote that love. The ability to care for my family in a way I never have fully.

Those big battles of weight, self loathing, other’s mistreatment, the fear of not being enough, the fear of not being truthfully loved by those who are supposed to love you, finding true and lasting friendships that matter to them and you, taking care of a spouse with chronic illness, and fear of speaking up for what you want in the world and being okay with the consequences. Those are only some of that battles.

Everyday I can stand in awe of what I have accomplished. It is so much more than weight. It is more than what I put in my mouth. It is more than becoming a better me. It is being me  unapologetically, unabashedly, and with fervor. But I wake up daily ready to fight the big battles in small ways. IMG_4251

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