The one where I cry – Part 1. (less of me)

This post is going to be two things. Sentimental. And picture heavy. Last night I couldn’t sleep. My guy was hurting. His face was being stupid. He was making pain noises in his sleep. It’s been awhile since he has done that. The pain coming from a respiratory infection, back pain causing a TN flare up.

Anyway….I was sitting there feeling all melancholy and decided to look at my pictures on my phone and my Ipad. Then that led me to my instagram account and holy cow, what a year I have had. To say that my 2015 goal unintentionally (or probably intentionally) became about self development was an understatement.

I didn’t set out for it to become that. In fact, when I rang in the new year I specifically did not want my ‘less of me’ campaign to be a resolution. I had done the resolution thing and it never worked. I even started January 3rd to poo poo that idea of ‘new year new me’.

I didn’t need to change myself. I needed to change the way I saw the world. I am still working on that. It is a process that will probably take me the rest of my life. Previously, I had always found myself so desperate for a change I lacked the patience to follow through. I wanted it now. This time my approach was it was time to get healthy and the side effect of that would be a healthier leaner body.

Everyone has their one photo. The one they see and know it is time. I have one of those and surprisingly to me it wasn’t one of the ones I have used with a side by side. It was one taken in February. It was my guy and I and by that time I had a month of daily workouts under my belt. I felt amazing. But when I saw the photo I didn’t look amazing.

I recognized then it was going to take more than a sweat session daily. I needed to get my eating under control. I needed to find my center. I looked sad. I felt beat. And two weeks later I started 21 day fix. The photo was just the push I needed to get my butt in gear.

And I am not going to lie. The process scared me. I am not sure why. I was afraid of myself and the possibilities. But I was addicted to the endorphins produced by my workouts. I also knew I had spent the last two years surviving taking care of everyone else but me. I became addicted to this daily “me” time and because it was just a half an hour or 40 minutes it didn’t feel horribly selfish.

Add in my true secret weapon. Accountability. My Kpuff. She is my next biggest weapon in my arsenal for less of me. I have had to be accountable to her every single day for almost the last 365 days. There isn’t a day we don’t cover on “will we work out” or not. No we haven’t been able to workout daily. But almost.

I never want to let her down. I know I don’t need her to do this. I want her to do this. She is a part of my success. Together we have achieved so much more than either of us thought possible. She opens her home up to me every single day. And her equipment. And gives me unparalleled support and love. She reminds me I can even when I don’t want to or really can’t. That value is immeasurable to me.

The goal was to drop 60lbs. I have achieved that. The goal was to be more healthy and take a piece of my day every single day to take care of me. The idea being that to take care of everyone else I had to take care of myself. Done and done.

I am looking at different goals for the upcoming year. The goal is undetermined, but not without focus. I am deciding what I want. Is it to run further, or faster. Or is it to lift more? Is it maintain what I have going? I am not exactly sure. I just know I don’t want to lose myself again. This is such an important part of who I have become the last year. I have to fight for it to remain and I will.

My transformation was more than physical. Most of this battle has been emotional. Exploring why things got as bad as they did. Figuring out who I was underneath the layers. Doing so in a healthy way for my three daughters who had a front row seat to the whole event.

Finding ways to be okay with the imperfections I see daily in the mirror and trust me they are there. But remembering always to love myself as I love those most important to my life. Sometimes I forget that and I don’t give myself the grace and forgiveness I give others who I value.

That is my health goal for next year. To continue that battle. Letting love win.

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This person. She is me….But the real me is hiding under there somewhere. I didn’t know it yet though.

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And then I saw this one. And things changed.

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I love this moment. It was a milestone for me. I let it all go. I conceded that I had tried so many diets, so many exercises and nothing worked. So maybe just maybe if I give up and let go…the process would work. And maybe if I let go I would enjoy it a bit more.

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And slowly but surely things started to change. I started to like what I saw staring back in the mirror at me. I fought harder and harder for the real me to come out.

Transformation

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Miles and Miles, Sweat, Burpees, Push ups, jumping jacks, high knees and planks. I did and tried it all. I have never stopped. I fell in love with the process. And the way it made me feel about myself.

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The process that had my picture on the popular page of instagram. A fitness picture. A sense of accomplishment.

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A body with curves in all my right places. That was a year worth of hard work. Imagine what I could accomplish with more time and effort. I am excited to see.

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But more than anything throwing up those W’s at the end of every workout reminding yourself that Love wins. It always wins.

#Lovealwayswins

#Lessofme

#Lessofmeisathing

 

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