Last night I did what I knew I shouldn’t do…The one thing all the gurus tell you NOT to do.
I compared myself with someone else. I have gotten really good at not comparing my REVOLUTION with someone elses. It isn’t fair to me and it sets me up. I know this LOGICALLY. In the last year or so, I have really set up quite the social media support network of others who are on similar paths to weight loss and wellness. Notice I said similar. Similar and same are so far apart.
I won’t share the name of whose site I was perusing. But I will share that they shared their current weight. They had a picture of their before and a picture of their after. Their after photo weight was more than my own. And they were gorgeous. I mean breathtaking I want to look like that in my weight loss skinny. It was healthy and beautiful.
The first instinct I had was to hate myself. The second was to go to the kitchen. I hated myself because despite weighing less than the person who posted I still looked down at my own body in hatred. My own body that I have pushed so long and so hard this year. In that moment all saw about myself was all the negative. How in the world is that fair to me? It isn’t.
And why then is my gut instinct to give up and feed myself and to throw away a full year of hard work and tremendous amounts of weight loss that people would love to have? All like it never happened? Why is it to go out to the kitchen feed that idea of myself so that it matches with how I feel? So I can feel the hot seer of my own shame? So I continue on this ridiculous path of hatred? Because I am not already hard enough on myself (see evidence above)?
Some days I wonder if I will ever fully be in love with myself and my body. I mean I have grown and bore three beautiful daughters, nourished each and every one of them, I have pushed myself so far beyond my own limits and imaginations physically/mentally and still that is not enough to look in the mirror and be proud.
Proof that so much of this journey is a mental battle. I know how to eat, I know how to exercise. I don’t know how to self love. I try. I have moments. Then they pass.