Master of all or Master of Nothing.

So this week was insane for a host of reasons most of which were my own doing. I kept wanting to complain and then would say to myself, “Don’t glorify busy.” The type of busy I was was not a good thing. I should have said no. But I didn’t. And then when I started running fevers and pretended to feel okay I should have definitely said no but I didn’t. 

Sometimes I get very afraid to let others down despite knowing that most of the time others will let me down in a way I am not willing to do to others. I wonder why that is sometimes. I get jealous of others that can say no and know their limits. I find out every year that my limits are forced upon me by my body saying no. That is where I am at. I have been sick for 6 weeks at this point. My immunity is clearly compromised by something. 

So I begin to list in my head toward the end of week things that are in my power to control and change. Some of this will end up being a review of my latest fitness program and some is just me thinking out loud for all of you. I started Masters Hammer and Chisel with the approach to become more lean and hopefully find ways to fit into my saggy skin. I cut my calories down from my usual 1400-1600 to 1100-1200 because that is what I know on this program. It follows 21 fix portions. The problem I believe to be I need more calories now. My metabolism is much higher than it was a year ago. But I did and will follow the program for my last week. But I need more proteins and carbs than I am getting. I feel it. 

I love the weightlifting of the program, but I don’t find myself satisfied with doing it daily. I know the benefits of weightlifting and this program showed me that. But I like to sweat, I like to feel out of breath and see and feel my body move fast. I think if I were eating more of the above I may have enjoyed it more. 

The second part to this is I have a long torso and short legs. Large calves run in my family. The weight loss and running  

 really started to trim them down where I begin to not feel so conscious of them. This program went the other direction with that. My thighs grew 1.5 inches, my above knee grew 1 inch, my below knee grew 1 inch and my calves grew 2 inches. I recognize this is muscle but I don’t want that. I want that in my biceps and forearms and I got it, but not in my legs. 

The good parts of this program are feeling my bones and curves more than I ever have. I mentally and physically feel strong. My veins have been popping in my hands and arms showing more muscle definition. My skin in my abdominal region is getting looser. So yes it works, but never will I have a 6 pack that is promised on this program. And I don’t mean I don’t have one because I do. It is just under lots of skin so you won’t see it. 

I also have lost about 11lbs on it. But again I have been sick and had zero appetite. So basically, I am admitting I probably didn’t do the program total justice by not eating enough for what I was lifting and that made me feel depleted and spent. And if I am totally honest (don’t flame me) I find Autumn absolutely condescending and uninspiring. I know she has a following and I understand it because her portion control system saved my life, but her motivation methods do not work for me. I feel insulted on every level when she talks and by the things she says. Now Sagi is amazing. I put him up there with Shaun T. and Chalene Johnson. Maybe it is my perception, so I own that. But I willing to try again later. I do know I like to lift weights and will continue to do so for my arms. They need it. 

But let’s talk other factors that are pulling at me. Work is nuts. It is so hard to keep a work life balance sometimes but sometimes I just have to mentally tell myself to be present and forget work. It is hard because sometimes that means I can’t do the things I want to do. Even more so because I love my job so much it doesn’t feel like work. 

And TN I have been kinda silent about it all because it is different this year. It isn’t as frequent, but it is far more demanding. When triggers would happen before the pain would happen and then immediately be replaced by what he described as tingling and numbness. Well that barrier has been replaced by the typical pain. The numbness and tingling isn’t always happening. In fact, it probably only does about 20% of the time. But it doesn’t happen as often. As well, he is on high doses of his epileptic drugs to control. He saw neurologist last week and not a lot to report other than that is how TN works. It will increase in pain every year. Then we explore options again. Until then he takes his meds and increase dosages if needed. Such is the life with TN. 

Basically, I need to stop making life and all or nothing and look at it more at what I can accomplish and when and feel less guilty about what others see and think of my ability to be super me at everything. I logically know this but then life happens, I get busy and before I know it I am not living but surviving. Getting through till the next weekend where I can collapse and charge just enough to get through the next week. That isn’t how I want to live. So new goal for this week is to say no to something and be okay with it. 

Photo Credit: a student took this picture on my iPad and I have loved it and I really presents how I feel right now…a spiral staircase in the dark. That sound sad or lonely, but it really isn’t. That is life….thank you to the kiddo who took this because you get me. 

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