About this time last year…

“Perhaps that is where our choice lies — in determining how we will meet the inevitable end of things, and how we will greet each new beginning.”
Elana K. Arnold, Burning

I was hitting the streets in my running shoes on a whim. I saw my guy run and I thought, “Hey, I like to run. If he can. I can.” And I did. I am not the world’s fastest runner, nor do I intend to be. Some people focus on distance and others focus on speed. I think I am more at my own mommy rhetoric jive of fast one day, distance next without purpose or rhyme or reason.

Last year to keep myself moving and focused I played the lyrics to “I am a solider” & “Lose Yourself” by Eminem. For me the words kept me moving forward chugging away at my excess weight both mentally and physically. This year’s theme in my mind are two reoccurring phrases….Purposeful Intention….React with purpose. I have goals both physically, professionally, emotionally and every other ally I can find. If I follow through with the the two phrases I will succeed or at least know I tried.

So today I started my new Hammer Hybrid as I have hashtagged. I am Mommy Rhetoric and I can make up my own hashtags. This am everything that could go wrong did go wrong and I was so very close to saying, “I will start tomorrow.” I am very in tune with the universe and my own spirituality so when things go wrong I take that as divine intervention.

But something in me told me to turn my car around, change my clothes, grab my already packed lunch and say “Not today. I will start this today.” And I did it. I am so glad I did, too. I forget just how colorful eating is on the container program. So many pretty colors and varieties and the flavors.

I don’t intend to share every single meal, but I am sharing today because I am excited and my food was not just amazing….but it was AUUUUUMAZING! I had a shakeology for breakfast, 2 hard boiled eggs. Then for a mid-morning snack a half of an english muffin with 1 tsp of peanut butter and half a banana.

And this is where it gets amazing. For lunch, I prepped salsa chicken (you can find in my 21 day fix days)  yesterday, salsa from scratch, brown rice and black beans. I compiled this all to make a “burrito bowl”. I can tell you right now I won’t ever eat at a Chipolte because of their food issues and my OCD. However, I know how amazing their food was. When I sat down to lunch today I wasn’t expecting much. I figured it may be edible and that was my goal. It tasted just like chipolte. It was so good. I had a salad on the side with ginger dressing. (Brown rice = 1 yellow) (Black beans = 1/4 yellow) (salad = 1 green) (salsa chicken = 1 red) (salsa = green) I can’t remember if salsa is free or a green, but I call it a green.

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I didn’t stop there either. When I got home in my crock pot I had a lovely pork loin roast in the crock pot to shred for carnitas. I came in the door and took two thin mission corn tortillas and draped them over the oven rack. I shredded my pork, topped with my more from scratch salsa. I placed the meat in the toasted tortillas topped with lettuce, more salsa and 1 tsp of colby jack cheese. I did this twice. (corn tortilla = 1 yellow) (carnita meat = 1 red) (lettuce and salsa = 1 green) and snack tonight was watermelon.

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I also got my three mile run in and Hammer 10 minute abs. I am quite proud of myself for that hard work. But I stuck to the plan, no derailments and no “cheats”. Day # 1 is in the books. I have had a mild headache all day I assume from the sugar consumption that I have experienced the last few days. It isn’t at all not manageable.  I feel great otherwise. And we run on…

Authentic Self 

Confession time…

Confession:

  1.  I have gained 3lbs
  2. The last two weeks have been so work and home stressful combined
  3. I gave myself permission to emotionally eat
  4. I also gave myself permission to not exercise unless I had the energy to do it 
  5. I didn’t put myself first and I know I should 
  6. I resorted back to some of my old habits 
  7. And finally…I don’t care. 

I refuse to beat myself up. Does that mean I didn’t have moments of regret? No. I had quite a few. I also knew exactly what I was doing and was aware of the consequences. The reality was I had massive responsibilities at work outside of my classroom the kind of things the public forgets that teachers do. I found myself longing to just walk into my classroom and just teach. But I also love being there for my students, so I willingly choose to serve my student population outside of classroom. And yes it hit hard and fast the last three weeks. Throw in a nasty virus that hit our house, a sad death in our family and my grad course. 


And yes Mommy Rhetoric didn’t make the best choices. But I did try and be really in tune with the physical and mental need for physical activity. Today to jumpstart my personal motivation I did what I always do…I listened to Shaun T.’s “Trust and Believe” podcast where he spoke about being your authentic self. As I walked and listen I really started to think about exactly how far I have come. I found this part of myself the last year that has made me feel honest and true to who I am more than anything other than my guy. 

And that is that I need exercise like I need water, food and love. If I constantly stay in tune with that I feel like I am truly being who I am. I would love to tell you I exercised faithfully every single day. I didn’t though. Some days I literally came home and put myself to bed from sheer exhaustion, other days I had a cup of coffee and I ran till I couldn’t anymore. That is me being my authentic self of being so in tune with myself that I recognize the needs of my body and you can’t beat yourself up for that. 

But you know what I have been so happy the last three weeks. Happy because I am living in my truth and my passion. That is taking care of my family, being there for my students and fulfilling my passions. But alas the time has come….the calm. Summer is approaching and the focus can now shift back to making me a priority. I started today. I have been struggling with programs for awhile now. 

I have running goals. Doing a complete workout program start to finish sometimes makes my running goals fall by the wayside. But I started to think I had seen other hybrid versions of workouts that included running, so I began to think maybe I could combine my more recent love of lifting with my old faithful running. I sat down and created a 30 day Hammer (Sagi from Hammer and Chisel) a Running Hybrid program. I intend to do the 21 Day containers because I know how important nutrition is to lifting. Truthfully, for muscles to do what you want them to do (and look how you want them to look) you gotta eat right. So I will follow the eating plan for “leaning out”. 


I am not gonna lie, I am so proud of myself for doing that. That was a huge step in the right direction after the last month or so where I haven’t been too goal oriented. I am starting tomorrow and I am gonna kick some butt. Today I was feeling frumpy and blah. So I did what I do when I feel like that….first I listened to Shaun T. And then I took a shot to do a side by side to remind myself just how far I have come and then it all seemed silly and I moved on. There is tomorrow. I get a reset. RESET hit and hybrid program on. Whoop! 

I don’t want to be your inspiration.

Photo (1)The last few months I have heard the phrase, “You are such an inspiration” so much and I naturally do not take compliments very well, but this one has never set well with me. Once I hear it I often go into my own head recounting all the things I have done that day to prove I am anything but an inspiration.

It is no secret the year of 2015 was the year of Mommy Rhetoric. I figured my shit out. I got myself together. I made myself a priority. But the more you think you have it all together and figured out the more I realized I have nothing figured out and just when I think I do have it all figured out the more the universe says, “Oh hell no.”

The year 2014 was hands down the worst year of all of my life. My life crumbled. I dealt withIMG_4854 the worst life could throw me. I pretended to be okay, but all the while I was a pile of mush and mess of emotions that I had no idea how to deal with. I told myself and others I was okay, while inside I traveled further and further away from who I really was.

The reality is that in 2015 I was forced to deal with that separation from myself and others. I lived through a crisis and came out on the other side. What came out on the other side was a crumbled version of my family and a crumbled version of myself. I felt like I was in a forest and fighting to find my way out. I said it before and I will say it again. My brain, my body and my heart gained an irrecoverable wrinkle that forever changed me and them. It then became my job to put myself back together so that I could help put them back together. And that process…it ain’t easy.

I struggled forgiving others in my life who couldn’t save me from that forest especially the ones who I felt like didn’t even try. I still struggle that they can’t forgive me for being lost in the forest. I saw true nature of others image1and they saw my own true nature.  I stared at my faith in the eye and had it more defined for me than it had ever been and if I am honest all of that was incredibly ugly, and angry.

I had to find a way to forgive a lot. But most importantly I had to find a way to forgive myself. And being honest I am not even sure I am there yet. This type of forgiveness takes time, grace and whole lot of love. And the process really doesn’t feel all that inspiring. So when I hear, “you are inspiring” I feel like a fraud.

My weight loss is so much more than an inspirational story or a container system or work out program. It is my therapy. It is my method of coping and dealing with life handing you lemons and choosing to use that lemon for my water instead of making a pie. It is my way to get into my own head and figure my shit out. Mile by mile. Workout by workout. Doughnut by doughnut (okay, I am kidding! maybe?).

I know I don’t normally cuss on my blog anymore, but if I am here and I am truthful and I am Mommy Rhetoric in all her glory. The only word that adequately describes what the last few years have been like for me it is necessity. It is therapeutic and it is my truth. Working through this is a process that I feel like could take me a lifetime. Someday it feels like I have made progress and other days it feels like I am right back to where I started.

 

It is true my life is exponentially better. But never mistake that Photo (2)for a perfect and inspiring life. We still deal daily with how our lives have changed and I am really only beginning to see some parts of the ramifications of this messy life. But on the hard days I hit the road or a sweat a little longer. Or I have a doughnut.

But I also still battle the beast that is emotional eating. I get bothered sometimes that people think I am always so good because I think they would be disappointed in me or would be shocked to see just how uninspirational I truly am. But that is one thing I hope I have done in this journey and that is sharing my truth that can one day offer up a day of doughnuts, Dr. Peppers and french fries and the next show a disciplined athlete and eater.

I don’t have those Dr. Pepper days as much that is true, but they still exist and no that doesn’t make me a cheater or a bad person for eating “bad” food. It me dealing with reality. Some days are harder than others. I never look at a day as the sun comes up and think today will be a bad day or today will be a good day. I honestly tackle the world minute by minute.

I hit each day and I tackle it the best I can. Some days I kill it. Other days I fail miserably, but the most important part of all of this is….. I hit each day and I tackle it the best I can. That is a decision I make and that is the one and only inspirational part of my story. Not the inches lost, not what a square box says, not what I put in my mouth and certainly not how my clothes fit. It is deciding every single day that I am worthy of this life and that I need to tackle every day and what it brings. Even the hard stuff.

So when you are searching for inspiration please don’t find it in people. Find it in yourself. We are all beautiful in our own ways and we find a way to not only see those ways, but honor them by being who you are unashamedly and without hesitation. The world wants to see your true authentic self and that is where inspiration lies. That is what I hope makes me inspirational to all of you.

I encourage each of you take a minute and look on your phone or a device and find a picture where you are truly smiling. Not a fake selfie taken 30 times for the right angle or light. Just a picture that is snapped where you see pure and utter happiness and tell yourself this life throws us things…crappy, crappy things, but you chose to smile. That is where love lies. Love always wins. 

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A family stronger than ever. A woman being comfortable in her own skin and who she is. A man recovering from an incurable neurological disorder and major life disruption. A man and woman trying to raise daughters the best way they know how. Two teenage girls and all that entails and one baby girl who has so much yet to conquer. All those smiles. Those personalities. That is LOVE WINNING.

Signing out as Mommy Rhetoric and still searching for Less of Me (let me know if you find it)