The danger of too much time for MR is thinking way too much. In the past week as my life began settling down I also was finding myself heading into a funk. This is pretty typical. My job (good or not good) is my life, so when the sudden disruption of the end of the year comes after months of holding on one more day. I struggle.
I have always handled things like that. When I worked in the flower business. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and the adrenaline rush of getting it all done. Then you wake up and suddenly life moves at a snails pace. My time with Delta Faucet. Rushing to be sure orders were printed and that they ship to store in time for openings or ship to convention centers before shows. The next day it is over and it is quiet.
Then my head slowly winds down to a spin and I typically recollect with that maddening question or statement, “What just happened?” Or “That just happened!” But there is kinda an ugly truth I have been facing the last week or so, and if I am honest it was looming before I just pushed it away.
Those are my relationships. They have all changed so much. I have been a witness to dramatic weight losses and dramatic life shifts. I never wanted that to happen to me and I worked hard to maintain my marriage and my vital relationships and have done amazing at it. But the reality is that quite a few of the others have.
I don’t know if it is them or me. But I know it is happening. Earlier yesterday I found myself on google asking, “Relationship changes with weight loss” and every thing I read was everyone will like you more and your family will try and get you fat. And it is all just weird and not pertinent.
I wonder if it is all just timing with where I am at or if it is truly my weight loss. But I feel more and more isolated. I struggle sometimes connecting with others in ways that I feel matter. My friends have mostly only known me in my larger more insecure didn’t care about fitness at all phase. Then my super tight friends since I was a fetus or family have known a much thinner version of me.
But truthfully, the last two years took me on a wild roller coaster. I know for a fact that I suffered with depression which I am not a stranger to. My OCD has had me up close and personal with depression quite a bit. But this time it was so closely related to the sudden and quick transformation of my life from TN.
And I wonder did I change then and shut people out? So much so they gave up on me? They decided to quit? The biggest struggle I have always had since everything happened were the lack of people I could talk to about it that 1) seemed to care 2) understood. My guy’s time in ICU did a number on me and when I discuss it with others I often feel pressured to toss it aside and sometimes I feel like I am told I am too dramatic. And maybe I am. I don’t know.
Then I wonder is that why I am alone? Or maybe I have just changed so significantly from the TN experience and my weight loss combined that I am a different person and that is why it feels like my relationships are different.
But if I am honest it is a true struggle for me because what I put in my mouth and decide to do with my free time doesn’t ultimately change who I am. Sure it changes the way I look, but it doesn’t change how I feel and my need to connect with others. I am still the same old MR I always was. I just have more flabby skin and wear a different size.
I have just found myself on a weird side of caring more for others than they seem to actually care for me. But then I wonder if that isn’t about perspective? Is that just the way I feel and it is not necessarily the truth. I am not even sure. I just know it is how I have been feeling lately.
Maybe it is phase, or maybe I am self conscious. All I know is when I need someone I usually feel alone. Of course, I can and do reach out to my guy but outside of that. I am not talking the kind of reach out of liking a post or adding a small little comment. I am talking sitting with you when life is hard. Or pushing you when you want to quit because one more mile or one more pound is going to make you crazy.
The moments that actually matter that don’t end up on social media for all the world to see. The ones we don’t discuss around the dinner table or in grocery store so we feel important. The ones that shape us and change us and make us decide who we are to become. I need and want that. But apparently along the way lost it.