I read this quote early this morning before I had my cup of coffee and I felt so emotionally and physically moved. First I was wondering how I hadn’t heard them because I have literally gobbled up every word this woman has written. Louise Erdrich is my heart writer (she has connections to my heart) and I was just like yes! This is what I want to do. This is how I want to live.
So I began to wonder sometimes if it is a little bit too much. The way life afflicts us. Each one of us has our thing. Anxiety. Panic issues. TN. OCD. Anxiety. Autism. Self harm. Depression. Chronic illness. Asthma. Diabetes. Food addiction. The list could go on and on. Every single person when they are open and raw for the world to see and pick apart has those things.
But that isn’t the world we live in. Or at least that isn’t the world I feel like I live in. I make my way through Facebook, Instagram or snap-chat and the beauty. The perfect smiles followed by a kiss. The perfect glass of wine with perfect friendships. The barbecue with the best version of family. Hell pinterest is in it’s self it’s own version of the perfect world with perfect recipes, perfect outfits and perfect life affirming quotes. Then we turn around and we look at our lives and we wonder why we feel inadequate.
I wonder if the words I share make me seem this way or another. Then I wake up and try and remember I am living my true imperfect life where those things exist and I do it publicly here. They happen and I wear them for others to see so they feel less alone. My life is beautiful because of those things, and not because I hide them away and pretend they don’t exist. I am an over comer. So are you. We are no different.
I have contamination OCD. I have had it most of my life. I was officially diagnosed in 2005 when things got particularly hard for me. My guy was worried. My family was worried. I was worried. But I came to my blog and I worked it out in a manner I would probably today title my ugly moments. I don’t particularly think those moments are ugly anymore. They are ugly because the world doesn’t want to admit they exist and they make us uncomfortable. But they aren’t ugly. They instead hold the most self love and beauty that I have ever given myself. And if I can forever live in that way I will because I want to show my children that is how you live life. Make no apologies for being who you are. Who you are is beauty even when it is incredibly hard.
The difference for me is I do/did it on my blog and most don’t. I don’t share my story for sympathy or attention. I don’t need that and if you truly know me you know that. I share it because I know someone out there is reading and says, “Yes” and for just a moment they feel a little less alone and it makes my ugly moment a little more beautiful. OCD used to rule me. Now it is just me. Thankfully, with time and counseling I live a very healthy life.
For me OCD is about controlling the uncontrollable. When life feels hard, scary and insurmountable I fall back on OCD to make me feel better. Which is so funny because I would say that is how I have lived probably the last five years of my life. I have challenged one scary fear after another and my OCD has never been better. Yea I struggle still. But I cope so much better.
I have been the most fearful of sharing the heart of my journey. Mostly because it can hurt others which in turn could hurt me, but if you read my post yesterday you know I am trying hard to conquer that fear. This life isn’t about living in fear. For me it is about conquering that fear and rising up after and saying, “I survived” and overcoming. That doesn’t make me heroic or a bad ass. It just makes me wanting to live the best life I got. Or as Shaun T. says when things get difficult, “Find my life.”
And if this post seems a bit rambly it is because it is. I am trying hard to live out my ugly truths, so that others know they are NOT alone. So look at this list above….pick your thing. Add your thing. Whatever your thing is know that you are enough. Know that I know your story and I share mine for you. You matter in this world in spite of your thing. Your thing sucks and it takes life away from you. But embrace it because it is your beauty. You are an over comer. It is what makes you different than that perfect barbecue picture, or that perfect picture on Instagram. It is what makes you living this life.
Ugly truths living is living. -MR