Ugh how times have changed. The passage of time shows on my face and in my hair and in my wisdom and patience. But I have been writing in a blog since 2000. I started writing when contemplating motherhood. I literally had a blog about thinking about trying to conceive. I contemplated all the choices of becoming a mother and of changing my marriage so significantly.
“A wise mother knows: It is her state of consciousness that matters. Her gentleness and clarity command respect. Her love creates security.”
― Vimala McClure,
But now I rarely talk about my girls other than very superficial terms of they are amazing or parenting is hard sometimes. I have literally went from talking about them as tiny little human beings growing in my body, sharing their birth stories and daily lives to almost barely mentioning them.
This is not me lamenting on why am I really here if I am not just talking about being a mom. It is the most important job I have ever been given. This isn’t even about me as a blogger. I have always used this type of writing as less for my audience and more for chronicling my life and motherhood is arguably the biggest part of that. But sharing my kids stories as they get older feels intrusive and there are mom bloggers that do it every single day, but not me. If I choose tell the world about my OCD, my latest graduate school project or my current fitness obsession that is on me.
But I never want that part of my life to not exist here. It is the very soul of who I am and what I truly believe makes me the beautiful person I am. I am not talking physical beauty. I am talking about my kind and empathetic heart. They are why I exercise everyday and why I work as hard as I do as a teacher and student. I want them to know they can have any thing they want they just have to show up.
I remember growing up and my parents always did the best they could with what they had. It wasn’t always easy and our relationships haven’t always been easy even today, but they raised good people. I am proud of my siblings and I am proud of where we came from and where we are all headed. I want that for my girls. I revel in watching who they are and they become every day.
It is a hard thing for me to chronicle though because it is their path. I have had so much time to contemplate the type of parent I want to be and my opinion on that changes daily. But I do I stick by the core principles in our home.
- Kindness first always.
- Self before others, but never selfish.
- Never say the words, “I can’t.”
- Always try
- Love. Love. Love.
- Find strength in failure.
But I remember my mom always being enamored by just how differently children turn out despite you raising each child the same. And I get that. This summer has been different in the E household for just that reason.
I have a teenager who is on the cusp of high school, driving a car, starting (early) college and is getting closer to figuring out who she wants to be in this world. I forget that that process is painful, joyful, beautiful, and messy sometimes. I also forget sometimes the best thing I could ever do for her is support her and love her unconditionally. I worry about the world she is growing up in, but I also take extreme comfort in the fact that we have raised her to be the girl she is who is stubborn, knows right from wrong and tries to see the good in everything. I also know she is timid of the hard parts of the world. I know she is afraid of rejection and sometimes her own shadow. So there is still more to learn together and I am grateful for that. I am excited to see what the next four years look like before we truly send her off to college. She is gonna change the world in ways that I have always wanted as the mother to daughters.
I also have almost teenager who is my child who isn’t afraid of me, the world or even anything besides bees. She is probably the one that worried me most as a young child, but what I saw as weaknesses back then are her biggest strengths. She isn’t swayed for anything or anyone. If she doesn’t want to do it, she won’t. She is fierce, the most intense and usually will try anything once. I worry sometimes the world will hurt her because she is so intense, but part of that intensity is damn near the most beautiful strength I have ever been witness too. Her fears are close to her heart. Her mark will be made on the world and she won’t care because the doing part of the mark is what mattered, not the aftermath. And can I just tell you how much this girl makes us laugh? She is authentic and real always and her ability to make tough situations lighter is something to see.
And oh my baby girl # 3 who is my handful. A lot of that handful is our fault. We accept that. She is also intense, but in a completely different way. She is not afraid of authority. She is not afraid of blazing a trail and looking back after the fact and not a moment before. Her giggles and laughter are infectious and she hates discord. She hates tension and gets her blunt honesty straight from her Momma’s mouth. But her gorgeous blue/green/hazel eyes will likely get her out of any trouble. That is if her “rhetoric” doesn’t work first. She is a sweet talker. I forget she isn’t a baby though. I still see her chubby toes and grabby newborn fingers. I feel like I always will. She is just as smart and feisty as both of her sisters. The part that is our fault is she is our baby; we want her happy because truthfully when she is happy the family is peaceful. She reminds me of cat with its purr and snuggles that demand your attention. She is so similar to her sisters, but she is also her own person. Her own beautiful human being.
I am so very proud of the girls I am raising. It isn’t easy. In fact, there are so many times I wish I could come on here and talk about brutal it can be and is I just won’t. And for all of those moments there are 100x more of the beautiful ones that take me back to my original idea of using this type of forum for writing. I knew my life, mind, heart and soul was changing. Of course, I had no idea just how much, but becoming their momma was single handedly the absolute most selfish/unselfish thing I have ever done in my life and I look at them almost every day in awe because the power of this motherhood thing is breathtaking in a good and bad way. Your heart it breaks, glows, grows and shatters. Your mind all the exact same as the heart. The love is amplified something fierce. It is just a fiercely beautiful, brutal existence and I am glad I decided all those years ago to be a mom.
Love Winning Here Always.