I celebrated over on social media a few days ago because in the middle pictures exactly a year ago I lost 50lbs on that day. Now I have added an additional 28-32 give or take bloat. 😀 which is documented on the right. I love sharing my story, but I do know people get tired of hearing it or thinking they can never do it.
So I guess I feel like it is time to revisit the realities. In my head, I still feel and think and look like the girl on the left. In fact, I am the exact same person and the only real difference I feel (besides the obvious health benefits of losing weight) is my super unattractive saggy skin. You can’t see it ever cause I usually cover it, but trust me it is there and yes it holds me back.
But a lot of times people believe that weight loss mentally, physically and emotionally fixes every thing. It doesn’t. They also believe it perfects life and marriage and your relationships. It doesn’t. They believe it is easy and that you always eat healthy and eventually they start to make side swipes at you about being too healthy, too skinny or too obsessed.
What happened for me is I recognized the weight I was carrying was a lot of issues that I needed to work on and that I still work on. It didn’t fix everything. If anything it probably made me deal with a lot. My own insecurities, my own inadequacies and my imperfections were suddenly front and center. I could hide behind it all 80lbs ago.
My relationships changed especially with those in my outer circle. I am still working on why, but I honestly feel like my weight issues stemmed from a lot of insecurity and feeling insignificant. I let and wanted myself to not be seen and now I have made myself a priority and want (no demand) that if someone is important to me that I hold that same sort of space in their lives. It has made for some hurt feelings on my part, but I have lived my life too long on others terms and not my own. If you are important and I let you in, you know it.
My marriage was not magically more in tune or in tact because I lost weight. In fact, the one thing I have always loved about my guy is he never knew me any different size than the one I was. I was overweight when we met. He loved me so much then and he loves me so much now. In my experience, that is what a successful marriage is…it is loving someone as they are and always supporting them to be better and yes he has done so flawlessly. I do love that I surprised him on my stick to it tive ness. I have mentioned before I am flighty sometimes. Meaning I become obsessed with something quickly and then move on just as quickly. I am a year and half in and still sweating and eating good. But I like to surprise him a lot because it keeps things exciting. He is so even keeled it is good for our marriage.
The misconception that every single bite of food I take is healthy. Ummm No. Yesterday I went to Culvers and had a loaded burger, fries with a Dr. Pepper. Can I tell you my secret. It was exercising and being very restrictive for about 6 months. That means I counted calories, worked out consistently (1 rest day a week) and watched portion sizes. What that did was rev up my metabolism, so that when I splurge my body isn’t as brought down by it minus bloat.
The second misconception is that I love working out. And I do…but I always love it after. Rarely do I love it before. It takes motivation (sometimes even caffeine) and sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Some weeks I have two rest days. The reality is working out every day can be boring for some. For me I love running because it lets me have quiet time to work out the junk above. But when I am injured or it is 50 billion degrees outside and I need motivation I find workouts I like. I love HIIT workouts that challenge me and my competitive side. I love focusing on equipment I have like weights, balance ball or medicine ball or even challenges. Or I just run up a hill. I just try and keep it fresh. I just try and remember to keep moving.
The obvious benefits are my resting heart rate is amazing. My BP is perfect. My blood panels are perfect. My migraines are pretty non-existent. My IBS is all but gone. My mood and energy is so much better. My sleep is a lot better. My clothes sizes are awesome and I feel great.
But the biggest secret of all is I am kind with myself. I am extremely careful about words I use. I don’t like words like: bad, cheat, fix because I don’t need or do any of those things and they truly do nothing but start an internal argument with myself that I have had for all of those years with the extra weight. I use words like love, grace and forgiveness. That is my secret. Love wins. It just does. You can’t deny it.