Less of Me is All Mental

I made a proclamation in September of what I am shooting for and if I am honest I failed myself and you. I wanted to get down another handful of pounds. And I think I still do. But I kind of don’t or can’t or won’t. That is just kinda where my head is at.

I suppose everyone goes through this phase, but it sucks. I always and forever hate what I meoctober1see looking back in the mirror at me. No matter the amount of mental work I put in I can’t ever seem happy with what looks back at me.

I overthink comments made to me or the looks that people give me. Truthfully, I haven’t gained any weight. It fluctuates between 1-2 lbs gain or loss which I know is water, but because I am not making huge losses like I did a year or so ago I feel gross and fat. And I hate that.

I see pictures of myself and I just feel like a failure. I get into a perpetual state of working out and disappointed because my extensive workouts don’t garner 10lbs weight losses every week. I know for me this is dangerous territory because eventually what happens is “Can’t beat em’ Join em’.” That means a slippery slope filled with unnecessary calories and food that isn’t good for my mind or body.

There have certainly been an occasional slip or two which immediately sends me to the scale as if a starbucks coffee loaded with sugars and chemicals will make me gain 10lbs in 2 hours.

Why this is all alarming to me is something happened to me. I fell out of love with the process. Somewhere my focus has shifted from the day to day to the end goal despite my knowing that we don’t get there all in one day the same way we won’t gain or lose all in one meal.

I am just not sure how to proceed. I want to lose a little more. But I gotta find a way to handle the process mentally, so it isn’t a chore. I work out daily with one rest day. But I usually moan, groan and complain through it. I am glad when it is over. I get easily bored with my go-to foods.

img_2862Those two things combined make it just feel like another bullet on my to do list. It can’t be that to get where I want to be. I knew getting here and moving past it or maintaining would likely be the hardest part because I am forced to look in the mirror and love what I see without the changes being so drastic and obvious. The work now is on the inside to change the outside.

But for some reason. I can’t. I am not ready or I am not willing and truthfully I am not even sure where it is my head is at when it comes to it all. Running would be my way to work through it, but I am a fair weather runner. I hate running in the cold. Which really just serves as an excuse. And do you want another….I can go to the gym and run on the treadmill, but wahhhhh it is boring. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse. See my problem.

Where oh where did my love for the process go? I gotta find it and find a way to be okay with what I see looking back at me. In this picture all I see is all the stuff I still need to work on. Sad thing is I know no matter how much others tell me the changes are there, they see them…I have to see them myself.

Losing Weight Sucks. Once overweight…I feel like you are always overweight.

This sucks. – MR


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