This is why I write.

Sometimes you have moments so moving and intense that the thought of not sharing them seems impossible. It feels almost like you are not acknowledging their existence. That is my life lately.

Most of the intense moments aren’t mine to share. I am a witness to them. They are big. Some are scary. Most are heartfelt and some of the hardest and most defining moments in others lives. But all the same not my own to share.

But those moments are why I write to show the world. It isn’t that I think the world cares about my world. It is to capture what I feel in a single solitary moment as a human being willing to share her story.

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I walked into my house with my mind going its usual 500mph of what I have left to accomplish for the evening. I was happy and feeling light. It was show week which means somehow we made it through and the show is what it is. A load lifted off my shoulders and wishes to the world that it will turn out good.

I open the door to my kitchen and I walk in looking down and my house is quiet which causes a small alarm, so I give a quick glance up and my guy is standing up looking out the back window. I see his back and a profile of his face and if I could just bottle the feeling I had in that moment I would.

My heart wanted to burst. The last three months of each of us coming and going and quick kisses in the hall or before one of us falls asleep for the night. The boring, routine married life I dreamed of as a child. The mundane of my happiness in my heart swells my heart. I am grateful for him, for that moment because this is my life. I have dreamed of this life my whole life.

So many times we think love looks like the movies and the breathless meetings and protests of undying love that we would die for. I never wanted or needed that. I needed that stoic, strong man who showed up. The one who loves unconditionally, who stands watch over the world and me. Someone to protect me and my world and in that moment that is what I saw.

And go ahead and call me one of those ugh bloggers who blogs about her spouse and marriage. And you would be right, but it wouldn’t be for show because what I plan to tell you is that the last few months we have had to be a whole lot more parent/teacher/adult than a wife and her guy. Sometimes I even fall asleep for multiple days in a row without even an utterance of a good night.

No good night kiss? No grand gesture at bedtime of I am grateful I end each day with you. I imagine that is what good wives do. But if I am honest, some days I climb into bed and I hope he doesn’t even talk cause I am beat. I give a lot to everyone else and most days there is barely any left for me. So yea I wake up at 3AM and I wonder if he knows I still get warm fuzzies when I walk into a room and see him. I usually snuggle close and rub his almost bald head and I thank him for our life silently while he snores away. He is clueless that these thanks are given. But I love him and I love our boring, routine married life that I dreamed of.

That is why I write because of that feeling. That guy. That moment. That is the story that needs told.

To all the boring, routine marriages that still have those moments. Hang onto them. 

-MR

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Wish I had the answers. 

I have been a stress mess this week and had a whole lot of I don’t care anymore attitude. It was so bad that for the first time in over two years I binged. I sat down in the span of twenty minutes consumed probably somewhere close to 600-700 calories. It was completely aware of what was happening, but I also was not. My head was saying walk away and look at why but it continued on. 

It isn’t that I am such a crappy place or I am depressed. It is just proof that old methods of dealing with stress die hard. It is probably the most stressful time for teachers right now. The weeks leading up to the spring break. There is a lot of work to be done; we are also looking at all that is left to do before the year is over. Plus our musical is in two weeks. All of that is the stress from work. At home I have my stressors too. 

I coped horribly this week and in the way binge eating works for me and my brain somehow it convinces me that the screw up already happened so I may as well enjoy it while I am down. I hit Friday and shame. For the first time in two years I was ashamed of myself and my choices. I was ashamed at how easily it all was. I have said it a million times that the losing weight and getting healthy has been a constant mental battle. And sometimes it feels like a war in my head. 

I know ultimately what is happening here is I have to demand and be darn stubborn about taking time for myself. I am not doing barely anything for myself other than surviving. Survival mode is not a way to live a healthy and mindful life. So I know where the breakdown occurs, but I have to climb out. And right now there are a whole lot of I can’ts. Or even I don’t want too. 

Whether it cuddling with my family and watching a movie instead of working out or going out to dinner with my guy. I have to choose what is best for me and right now the comforts of my family, the comforts of tacos or the comforts of a cuddly blanket and my pup are winning. The biggest problem is the lack of a plan. I am a plan person. I am also a lot more forgiving of myself when I can’t follow my plan. 

For me aimlessly going into a work week without a food plan, workout plan and goals I am a mess. I know this and I set myself up this week because it was easier. Easier to not put myself first and not have a plan. So my promise to myself and my family is that that won’t repeat this week….to help others I have to first help myself. 

Challenge Over

Trainer Lindsey’s 14 day challenge. 

I finished up the challenge today. Overall, I enjoyed this challenge and didn’t feel too put out by it as far as the eating goes. It doesn’t always follow clean eating which I am inclined to follow out of habit at this point. But all I did was clean up the recipes I didn’t like and that wasn’t too hard. The primary issue I had was with the protein shakes. I am not a huge fan of protein shakes and not as many as Lindsey required, so I followed the alternative. The Alternative of 1 cup of egg whites which I am not a fan of. I kind of just choked them down or added cinnamon to fool my brain. 

The workouts were good, but my calorie burn wasn’t as high as I like to get. I would burn about 150-200 calories. I suppose I could have pushed myself a little harder, but I just added in weights (heavier or after), or cardio additional. I really liked the workouts though and the variations and emails from Lindsey are so nice and I felt supported and educated. The faceboook group she has for this challenge is useful, not really because I talked much on it. It was nice mostly to stalk and answer questions I had. I liked it. 

Food was really good. Most days I couldn’t eat all I was allowed but I tried really hard to stick to it as close as I could. I did have a few lapses that were chosen that way. Dinner with my guy. Recipes are good and plan was super easy to follow. 

So what you really want….I lost 5lbs and lost 7 inches. Most of the inches were in my hip and waist area. Overall, I loved the ease with which this program was to follow. The low carb days didn’t kill me and I honestly felt the best I felt on them even compared with 21 day fix. Bloating was non-existent and digestion was perfect. My energy the whole two weeks was really high. 

I am thinking I may try the 6 week challenge now and I am almost certain she has a free 12 week challenge. Please let me know if you plan to do this program. I would love to support you however I can. I do miss my Beachbody workouts.