I have been a stress mess this week and had a whole lot of I don’t care anymore attitude. It was so bad that for the first time in over two years I binged. I sat down in the span of twenty minutes consumed probably somewhere close to 600-700 calories. It was completely aware of what was happening, but I also was not. My head was saying walk away and look at why but it continued on.
It isn’t that I am such a crappy place or I am depressed. It is just proof that old methods of dealing with stress die hard. It is probably the most stressful time for teachers right now. The weeks leading up to the spring break. There is a lot of work to be done; we are also looking at all that is left to do before the year is over. Plus our musical is in two weeks. All of that is the stress from work. At home I have my stressors too.
I coped horribly this week and in the way binge eating works for me and my brain somehow it convinces me that the screw up already happened so I may as well enjoy it while I am down. I hit Friday and shame. For the first time in two years I was ashamed of myself and my choices. I was ashamed at how easily it all was. I have said it a million times that the losing weight and getting healthy has been a constant mental battle. And sometimes it feels like a war in my head.
I know ultimately what is happening here is I have to demand and be darn stubborn about taking time for myself. I am not doing barely anything for myself other than surviving. Survival mode is not a way to live a healthy and mindful life. So I know where the breakdown occurs, but I have to climb out. And right now there are a whole lot of I can’ts. Or even I don’t want too.
Whether it cuddling with my family and watching a movie instead of working out or going out to dinner with my guy. I have to choose what is best for me and right now the comforts of my family, the comforts of tacos or the comforts of a cuddly blanket and my pup are winning. The biggest problem is the lack of a plan. I am a plan person. I am also a lot more forgiving of myself when I can’t follow my plan.
For me aimlessly going into a work week without a food plan, workout plan and goals I am a mess. I know this and I set myself up this week because it was easier. Easier to not put myself first and not have a plan. So my promise to myself and my family is that that won’t repeat this week….to help others I have to first help myself.