Back to square one: My Comeback

Okay it hit. The hormonal imbalance. The what now. The blahs. I don’t know. I was driving this week and had it. The it I have been worrying about. The one I have been trying to convince myself I wouldn’t have. The one that I was hoping maybe I could escape. But alas it is here.

The feeling is, “What’s next?” And when I say what’s next I mean when it comes to my248 health and fitness journey as it is relates to my surgery. I am trying very hard to be gentle with myself because I know my body chemistry is trying “right” itself.

But I have reached the point where I feel blah. I feel less than, but I also feel more than. I feel unmotivated, but I feel the more motivated. It is just literally a balance of where am I? I am just trying to figure it out.

I noticed last week that I was feeling way more “rawwwrrr” and way less my normal cheerful self. For me, that ALWAYS means hormonal fluctuations. Even a few times I heard my girlies say something under their breath.

But I think maybe that is why I have been trying to push play every day. It feels easiest to go into automatic mode of what I already know. I know that working out and putting my fitness first will help with the mood, the lack of motivation and my eating.

It is truly hard to even put into words what I am feeling cause I am not even sure how. I am not depressed or anything like that. It feels like disgust. If any of you out there have had this surgery and get what I am saying send me a message please.

The worst was yesterday working out in the hotel bathroom. I was forced to watch myself and my body as I worked out. It was the absolute worst. I feel like I am right where I was when this whole journey began three years ago even though I know logically I am not. But the hatred I feel for my body is. My mind is there. I haven’t even gained any weight since the surgery. I have gained and lost the same three pounds in the last 5 weeks, but never went over what I walked into the hospital as. But the reality is I hate what I see and a lot of my old insecurities are popping up that haven’t been there in a long while.

So yes…I must fall in love with the process again. I know I am strong. I know I can do it. But I am definitely in automatic mode now where it comes to health and fitness.  I don’t know where this feeling came from and I don’t know how long it intends to stick around, but I am gonna do my best to combat it.

My doctor warned, others who have had the surgery warned me. I was NOT naive enough to think that it would skip me. But I am sure as hell gonna fight to move through it the best I can. I may not always like what I see in the mirror, but thankfully I am really good at trusting my body and its ability to know what to do which is why it is so easy to go into automatic mode of eating the right stuff, working out and then work through the self talk and hopefully more to a more positive dialogue of self love.

I am sharing in hopes that someone else that has been through this reads and doesn’t see my recovery as perfect. Physically yes. But mentally I still have some things to work through. Some of the timing is probably not the best either. I am usually pretty high anxiety at the beginning of every school year because of the amount of “things”. Thankfully my support network is strong and I can be open.

Some days are easy. Today and yesterday, was not easy. I will own it.

Tomorrow will be better. – MR

 

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