“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”
― Debra Ginsberg
Most days I feel like I have nailed this motherhood thing. I have three strong willed, fiercely strong, mostly independent females I am raising. They all three make me proud of very different ways. They are incredibly kind, accepting and righteous when needed. They have good grades, good friends (and can spot when they need to not be friends with someone). They actually want to be around me most of the time. Sometimes, I have to make them leave me alone which I know I will likely regret when they are older, but I one of those people who needs alone time to have social time.
But if I am being honest some days I am not that good of a momma. I get crabby. I get yelly. I get selfish and I get frustrated because they don’t always think what I have to say is the best. The hardest line to walk with raising older kiddos is knowing when to keep your mouth shut and when to speak up and to make it more complicated it is different for each kiddo. Unfortunately, it took me awhile to come to the conclusion where each of those boundaries falls.
My oldest she is incredibly independent in most ways. But real life every day task…the bank…making appointments…asking a waiter to change something and she cowers in fear. But contacting a college she is interested in, dreaming about traveling abroad, reaching for the impossible, driving a car to unknown parts never even phase her.
My middle, a homebody determined to stay living at home for all of her adult life who would likely be fine if she only ever saw her puppies. She has no problem making phone calls, asking for anything or even standing up in front of the whole school for a spelling bee or to give a speech. She likes to be a contradiction to what you’d expect and that is just the way we love her.
And don’t even get me started on my youngest is literally only afraid of buzzing bugs and brushing her hair.
But their life has been fairly easy, but then it also has not. They have had moments and times often not lived out on social media that my heart breaks for them. Or worse they saw my own heart breaking and had to just sit there and watch. There are times I am ashamed of how I handled a moment. Maybe I had a curt word, or I got into my own strong willed, fiercely strong, and mostly independent mindset and butted heads with theirs.
In those moments, my biggest piece of advice is breathe and rejoice in the act of being human. There is also a lesson in that. They also need to see how to make mistakes, learn humility and being humble. Those are important parenting skills as well and I think at times I have perfected that over and over again. Thankfully, the love is unconditional and my girls appreciate my realness.
Through the blur – MR