My 30 days of truth…10, 11, 12 and 13

Because I started it with the intention of finishing and then life happened. I am gonna speed through a few…

Truth 10…Someone you need to let go ( or something along those lines ). Thankfully, I consider myself fairly good at cutting out the fat. Or the people that are in your life’s that shouldn’t be. There are certainly some that are there whether I want them in my life or not. But it is what it is and I cut them out as best I can. Most of the time it is because they are onto supportive of me or my family or bring complete negativity to my life.

Truth 11…something people compliment you on. Usually I get compliments on my positivity. In fact, it was a huge reason in my landing my job. I try and consistently find the good in situations or people. That doesn’t mean I don’t see the bad. It just means I choose to focus on the positive.

Truth 12….something no one compliments you on. That would be my dancing. In my head I and a kick ass dancer. I mean I can dance. Okay, not really. In fact, I use my lack of skill in moves to show my students to never to be afraid to be yourself. You may ask how. Well, I dance for them on almost a daily basis. Even though I stink horribly at it.

Truth 13…music that got you through some sucky ass bad times. I love dark and sad music…but nothing more than Hallelujah.

Hallelujah sung by anyone is haunting and moving to me. It always has amazing capabilities to move me.

But Jewel’s cd got me through a tough time and maybe the most wonderful time of my life. Almost every single song on this CD got me to the next day. But I will focus on the wonderful one because I listened to the “Morning Song” over and over while my guy and I were in our “honeymoon” phase…long before we were married and had an actual honeymoon. He knew I loved it and would play it for me.

And last but not least…

This one is a current favorite “I won’t give up” by Jason Mraz. Because it just reminds me of my guy and how incredibly lucky I am to have him and our marriage.

Sorry I cannot even do it…I manage to turn sucky ass times into happy sappy music. See what I mean? Ha ha, I love sad and sappy songs that helped me through crappy days and could list them all day for you. Angel by Sarah Mclachlan; Any and all songs by Alanis Morrisette; Sad sad country songs.

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Drifting Away – 30 Days of Truth

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

It has been awhile since the 30 days of truth have graced my blog. That last one was a hard one to get over. This one is equally as hard. I often get asked about my siblings. Sometimes I say it all and sometimes I don’t. But when I claim them all I always add a preface to explain my “weird” relationships with my siblings. I have three siblings.

My oldest sister is my guys age. She has three kiddos herself and is an amazingly strong inspiration to me. Many times in my life she lead me and protected me with a motherly type grace adding in a few cuss words cause she is known for ungraceful mouth. We look a lot alike and often get told we are “twin” like. But there is one massive difference. I am 5 feet 5 inches and she is 4 feet 9 inches. She is height challenged and I look like a giant next to her. I am so proud of her and what she has done with her life. All of my girls have some connection to her somehow. Here is the touchy part. We have the same parents therefore making her my “real” sister.

I fought to my death growing up that my other siblings were just as real. I loved them just as much and was just as close to them. Then we grew up and now we just share a mother that somehow tries to keep us all connected. Life changes, our directions changed and our views on life changed. I have a younger sister who, hope you will forgive me, I don’t even know her age anymore. My girls don’t really know her as their aunt. She is now married and has a child of her own. #1 got to experience some of life with her around but eventually she met a boy and that changed. Some could say good some could say bad. All I will say is the last time my girls saw her was for a party when my #2 was barely a few months old. I did go to her wedding a year or so later but I wasn’t a part of it and really watched from inside a building.

It actually kind of embarrasses me that it is that way because I have friends who would kill for a sister. But we just can’t get it right. I am a stubborn ass who has a lot of water of the bridge there that I am not willing to wade through and I suspect the same may hold true for her too. I never wish her any ill will and actually send nothing but love. I have reached out a few times and offered for us to be closer for her to know my girls and I her son but it just didn’t happen hence the water. I, for a fact, know that she reads my blog fairly regularly and I guess at times that makes me happy because she knows they exist and they are doing so well but I miss not knowing her son. At other times it makes me upset because I wonder if you go to the effort to read, why not go to the effort to return phone calls or emails. It just doesn’t happen.

I thankfully through faith have made as much peace as I can with this and know for now it has to be this way. I am sad about it and I miss that little sister who I loved so much. We just are not the same people and we don’t seek out the same things in life. But she is and will always be my real sister.

Then there is a brother. A much younger brother. He is an awesome kid. Our disconnect isn’t the same as above. It is just age and distance. We are 14 years apart. He was my momma’s late in life baby and we have always had more of a aunt/nephew relationship. I wish I could see him more but he is a poppa now and has a serious girlfriend. He is working, going to school and just trying to figure life out at his age. I get that and know with time that relationship can and will exist again.

Thankfully, I get to see him much more than sister #2. He usually attempts to come to my house once a year and see us. And his daughter, his baby girl has even made in my 365 photos. She is adorable and I just adore her am so grateful I get to have a relationship with her and so do my girls.  I pray and worry about him so much, but I trust that in time he will get it right. His heart is always in the right place in life.

Why the drifting away? I have just concluded for myself that life is like this for me. People come in and out. I even told my friend last night that my idea of important friendships and family is so different or even progressive. Some people you have a choice over and some you don’t. Some you need to let go and some you need to hold on fiercely too. I am never sure if it is right or wrong and I wish my girls could know both my brother and sister the way I knew them growing up. They are amazing and special people who will do/have done amazing and special things. And I know in my heart we will reconnect and that drift will move closer.

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It may not be happening daily, but it will happen 30 times….My 30 Days of Truth

Making Life Worth Living

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

This post will be much less about romance and much more about just having a good person in your life who loves you unconditionally and believes in you fully. I am clearly going to say it is my guy. The love is obvious. No one can or has ever loved me more than my guy. But there is so much more there that has made my life worth living.

And I would never diminish myself fully by saying I would be nothing with out him. That is just not who I am. I have worked hard for every single thing I have and earned what is mine. That is what it is about us that makes this thing work. He doesn’t change me from who I am. In fact, he pushes me to be myself more even if sometimes it makes things harder for him.

I am an independent woman. I didn’t get there over night. I was raised by an independent woman. My mom worked hard and worked even harder proving to the world she could attain independence on her own. My father married a woman who exudes independence. Both choosing not to need men in their lives to survive but to have men in their lives because they wanted them there. That isn’t always popular in our society. This attitude extended beyond relationships though, it was in everything they did.

When I met my guy I was actually figuring this all out. Any threat to my independence even still to this day is met with confrontation. No it doesn’t make life easy and I will never be that wife that sits down and lets her guy dictate her future or her life. And maybe if I was life would be easier, but I also believe if I was I would be stuck. I don’t like feeling stuck. In fact, in my mind if a person makes you feel stuck then that is a good time to jump ship.

Thankfully, my guy loves my independence. It isn’t that I disrespect his hopes and dreams for me, it is that he respects my hopes and dreams for myself and doesn’t get in the way of that. When I met him I was working in a flower shop. I kind of thought I would work there for the rest of my life. Well into our relationship, I mentioned I wanted more. He asked me, “Why don’t you go for more?” He didn’t worry about how it would affect our finances or our home.

Two weeks later I resigned to work for Delta Faucet. While in my 5 years there I accepted 4 promotions because he encouraged me to try for better. When I slapped on him the night before I was to return to work after maternity leave for #1 that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and go to school. He didn’t freak. He didn’t discourage me. He never even was concerned about how it would work financially, time wise or it would affect our time together or my time with #1. He said, “When we wake up we will tackle both.” When I shared with him I never believed I could be successful at college because it just wasn’t in my blood. He thought I was full of it. And had the application in my hand the next day with the application fee already written.

Each time I wavered during school what it was I was meant to do he was always there to remind me and put up with the stresses of me being a student, mom and wife. When I told him I applied for my new job he didn’t even bat an eye knowing I lacked that one more year I needed to even contemplate such an career move. He said, “You will get it and we will make it work.”

And quite the obvious thing he has given me that has made my life worth living for is my girls. Each and every single one of them. And he has always supported myself and them when I am trying to raise them to be independent women who go and do the things in the world that they want, not what society, a man or woman, or fill in the blank tell them to do.

He has given me the support needed to live out each and every dream I have ever even uttered to speak. And while that is romantic and all I am talking about the more practical side to it. Being married to and in love with an independent woman is not always easy. I know that. There is an upside to it though. I love him ten fold for letting me be me and I extend the same courtesies to him. Because those parts of him are the very parts that I love about him.

His coaching takes up humongous amounts of time but without it he would not be who he is. A golf coach. His umpiring/officiating of baseball, softball, football, basketball (fill in the blank) take time away from our family. But without it we would not add to our income, so I could go to school and be home with our girls. His dreams, I always encourage just the way he has mine. There are so many more to add to this list but it digresses away from the goal of such a post. It just is always amazing to see what unconditional love and support does for a person. They soar.

More than anything we have learned over and over together that good things do not come easy.  They take hard work, hard love, hard times and an appreciation for life and one another. If anything we have learned to not to settle for less than what we want together and that has made life worth living loving.

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It may not be happening daily, but it will happen 30 times….My 30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth – Day 6

I suppose it is time again for some truth seeking, huh? Today’s question was a weird one to think of. Initially, I thought I have done most of the things I would never want to do. Then the harder I thought the more I came up with some. I think this would be a better read by keeping a list of things I hope to never do. As in ever!

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to…

  • Say good bye to my baby girls or my guy – and we know what I mean when I say, “Good bye” right? The mere thought of it makes me have stomach pains and food lurching up. And by this I can also add in the list all of the ways in which this would happen and how I hope I never have to watch it, be a part of it or experience it.
  • Experience a plane crash
  • Have surgery again
  • Move again. Seriously, I detest moving horribly. My house could be a little bit bigger but for the sheer fact my guy and I hate moving we stay. Don’t even contemplate moving. But we do contemplate adding on ALL.THE.TIME.
  • Be fired/laid off from a job. I was thinking about my luck in jobs. I have had five jobs in my life. 1) For a flower shop doing office type duties, 2) For my dad doing cleaning or whatever he needed done, 3) For Delta Faucet as a Customer Service Account Rep, 4) A college instructor, and 5) A 9-12 teacher. I have been so lucky in every single one. I truly hit the jackpot as far as work goes. I loved what I did. I left before things got bad (economy mostly) and maintain friendships at all of the places.
  • Go through a teen pregnancy. I am not sure why but this is a horrible fear of mine. It is not something I have ever experienced but I really truly hope never to have to either!
  • Face a world where I cannot write. That is probably a weird one but writing is my world. I do it so much every day. If my words were to be stifled for whatever reason I would be one of those rebels who would do it anyway!

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It may not be happening daily, but it will happen 30 times….My 30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth – Day 4 & 5

I am gonna do two here today. I will explain why here in a minute.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

This is another emotionally hard one to write about. The more I thought about it the more I thought it was probably better to not. So I am gonna move on…

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I am thoroughly blessed in my life because my hopes and dreams are slowly but surely coming true. But if I look at my life and a “hope” I have always carried in my heart would be to take a international European vacation.

I have spent the better part of my life obsessed with, studying, talking about and mastering the languages, cultures, people of these amazing places. How can I perfect my craft even more? Touch them!

Literary Visits

I have extensively studied British literature. Therefore, it would be a hope that I could see the amazing places I have read about. It would be absolutely amazing to see the Bronte’s Home in Haworth, England or Jane Austen’s in Chawton, England. And to walk along Baker Street in London, Baker street that is famous for Sir Authur Conan Doyle’s famous mystery pieces Sherlock Holmes. And John Keats home in London wouldn’t be a bad miss either. And Stratford-upon-Avon, who could not want to go there to be witness to the literary greatness of William Shakespeare? Tell me after looking at that site you would not just want to hang out there and look around!

To just explore the places that inspired such great literature and feel their presence in them surely would just inspire a person to live a good life, right? That doesn’t even touch on the touristy type of places to visit.

France

Top after the literary type places would be Paris, France because since high school I had a magical love affair with the idea of Paris and France the country. The food, the culture and the language just fascinate me and I think it would be so fun to walk among french and experience it all. More importantly I can get better at speaking the language. I possess the American version of french meaning it has weird accents and vowels. I think being forced to speak it when you are among it is a great way to really learn it. Learning in an American classroom with a textbook is not the same as experiencing it.

The two places in France I would love to visit are the Chateau de Versailles and of course the Eiffel Tower and as the crowning glory I would like to spend some time in the Seychelles. A french band of islands that has very diverse population with varying influences from each. My french prof visited here and shared her pictures and I just remember being so moved because it was unlike any beach, sea water, landscape I have ever seen. I also believe it is where the princess and prince William and Kate honeymooned.

Greece

This too has been a long time hope to visit since reading about Greek Mythology back in the day. I was always fascinated that pieces of that literary history and really history of that place existed and can still be seen and touched. So take me to Greece please. To be among where they believe great God and Goddess to have stood and experience the myth would be magical. But I must admit after we got to this part of the trip it would be more about the beaches and the blue green water.

The Reality

I may or may not get to these places. I have an intense fear of flying. I am not rich and I am married to guy who thinks any travel outside of the US is pointless. And while I agree we have some awesome places to travel in the US for me and my passion/love seeing these things seem so important to my life’s journey as a teacher and mother. One I would take massive amounts of xanax for, save tons of money to go and find someone else to be my companion for this sort of trip.

The larger lesson here I believe would be passed onto those around me. My family (namely my girls) because I can show them great beauty exists outside of their own backyards and though it seems impossible it doesn’t have too. And to my students because I can say, “This is what that felt like or looked like” and therefore, sharing the same lesson I shared with my family as well.

We shall see if this hope comes true!

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It may not be happening daily, but it will happen 30 times….My 30 Days of Truth

30 days of Truth – Day #3

It has been awhile since I have been taking part in 30 DOT. As I said, I don’t intend to write every single day, but I do intend to complete the project. So to carry on…

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This is a hard one and probably why I avoided it. Forgiving oneself is hard. You either don’t believe you should because what in the world could you have done that you need to forgive yourself for or it is likely the very reason why this would be important and you need to just forgive yourself but it is hard and sometimes it hurts.

Likely my hardest hang up to forgive is my OCD and  how it affects others in my life. They likely don’t even realize it most of the time. But my mind is consistently registering people and places as safe and not safe. If there is even a suspicion they are going to hurt me (real or imagined) I begin shutting them out deeming them unsafe.

Sometimes it doesn’t make any sense and sometimes it does. Since I have been med-free almost 2 years now (I think) this is probably the hardest part because my meds work for this. I feel like I am almost hypersensitive to things. I could tell them it isn’t them it is my OCD. But really I am adult living in an adult world and I have to find ways to cope with it.

But it goes to that very most raw emotion of not wanting to be hurt and trying somehow to control it. As if I can control what others do to me. Or against me. The reality is I cannot. They inevitably will hurt me. Hopefully, not intentional. But it will happen and I just have to be forgiving of them.

But more importantly forgiving of myself because sometimes this safe and unsafe label unfairly penalizes those I love or they get poor treatment because of it. I don’t mean to do it. I can’t help it. I won’t make excuses for it either. But when I choose to go med free for my OCD I knew that it would not help in this situation and I fully intend to accept those consequences.

That also means sometimes I live with tons of guilt over it. Thankfully, those that love me forgive me. Now I just have to forgive myself.

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It may not be happening daily, but it will happen 30 times….My 30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth-Truth # 2

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I love that I am kind. I hate that most of the time others are not. Kind and nice are not the same thing. And no not every one is unkind. But most of the time kindness is masked as selfless when it is selfish. Distinguish the difference and be kind. I am kind.

30 Days of Truth…

I never get to involved in the cliche things that happen in the blogging world. As I have said numerous times I am constantly on the search for the authentic Mommy Rhetoric and I know for certain that I am not happy being anyone else but me. I don’t do things because they are cool, I don’t read things because they are popular, and I don’t give into peer pressure often.

But the other day an amazing blogger, Don’t Lick the Ferrets, posted a comment on my blog. Since then I have spent time getting to know her as a writer, mom and blogger. In that reading I found an amazing challenge. The 30 Days of Truth Challenge. One I think I could benefit from and maybe some of you will enjoy participating in yourself.  Since much of this challenge seems about My Truth it will be riddled with self but a lot of this blog is about finding the self (if you haven’t figured that out yet). For that I don’t apologize. I hope you will see my act of exposing the self as courage and find your courage to do it  for yourself.

Challenge Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.  ~Attributed to Hanoch McCarty

Self doubt. I hate that I doubt that I have something valuable to offer the world. Last night I was sitting at my daughters softball practice. She is in a sea of girls that are good softball players. She is a good softball player. I began thinking back to my softball years, my all-star softball years. I had to fight so hard to even be on that field. Some of the girls had talent and some had parents with fat wallets, legacy names and pushy tactics. I never did that. It felt so hard at the time. I fought less with my mouth and more with my ability.

Most of the girls weren’t even my friends. They were all friends and would talk about parties they went to and what their boyfriend did at the prom. I had those things too, but I didn’t fit into their world and they didn’t fit into mine. But somehow I managed to make it onto that team summer after summer. Not because of my parents wallet, or my name. But because I had what it took to be out there. But once there self doubt took over.

Maybe I didn’t deserve to be there because I didn’t fit in. These aren’t my friends. We went to away games, far away. We stayed in hotel rooms for 3-4 days at a time and I always usually ended up alone in the bed with giggles being heard next to me. But I never missed. I would beg my coach to just give me a chance, let me pitch. Let me do it, please. I will show you. He knew I could do it because that was why I got picked to even be on the all-star team by the league. But his daughter, she pitched too. She whined loud too if I remember correctly.

I had that self doubt year after year and fought that battle each year with the same girls, the same coach and the same environment. So how does that still effect me today? Well I still have that same self doubt. We all do right? People tell me all the time, I wish I could be as “independent” as you. And I think, “Man I have them fooled.” And I guess what they mean is what I reference above. I know who I am and I am not afraid to be that person. But the part they don’t see. When I question myself, “Is that enough?” That my friends is self doubt.

Will I ever be good enough that I don’t doubt myself? The game of softball can apply to life. There are always those “named” families, people with money and the squeaky wheels that will always get the grease. I have made peace with the fact that none of those will ever be me. But are the things I do try and do and be in the world enough? Self doubt is not all that different than the Fat girl. It tells me I can’t or I shouldn’t. But somehow that self doubt holds me back from who I am. I know this. Age and maturity have taught me such. But I spend most of my time proving to myself that I shouldn’t doubt myself only to still doubt.

There is no magical ending to this post that says I have overcame. Truth is, I do every day. On that softball diamond it was my last year where I ended up pitching almost every game and my team made it to the World Series of Softball. I even got to pitch each and every game we played in the world series. I conquered that doubt. But a new one erupted in its place…Can I graduate college? Do I have what it takes to sustain this relationship? Can I teach this lesson? Am I good enough to be picked for this program? Am I acceptable as a mother? Wife?

On that bleacher yesterday watching my daughter, self doubt rumbled up. I wanted to just for one moment pause time and run out and tell my # 1 she is good enough somehow convincing her of what I cannot believe. But I suppose it is that self doubt that made me who I am. That mother in the bleachers, the teacher in the classroom, the graduate student and first in my family to get a Masters degree, the wife in a marriage that has lasted longer than most marriages I know of and a good and decent human being. I am Mommy Rhetoric and I really cannot ask for more, or can I?

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It may not be happening daily, but it will happen 30 times….My 30 Days of Truth