Oh hi!

I know I should really come here more, but Spring 2017…is BUSY! Our play. A kiddo in high school softball, piano lessons, a comedy show at school, hubby assisting with golf. A round of E gang colds (maybe working on a second), a thumb sprang and pre-surgery appointments. There are two problems and they are that there just isn’t enough time or enough of me. Both of which I cannot solve…so my blog you have gotten quite dusty.

But yea I am the same. I am a vicious cycle of losing and gaining the same freaking 10lbs over and over and over. I honestly hate the way I look in the mirror. I feel very similarly to how I felt before I lost the weight. But I am trying to do the reverse thinking of I remember I time when I would have died to weigh what I do now. Instead, I keep lusting after my new goal weight and then I feel defeated and blah. So I gave myself a focus almost three weeks ago.

I realized that my major surgery was going to be in about 60 days. I also realized right before that I was going on our family vacation. So I gave myself a focus. A 60 day challenge of just plugging forward with taking care of myself and yet another campaign of self love and hopefully exploring why I have to keep doing it over and over. I am on day 20 today. And yet again I fall in love with the process. My eating is and isn’t the problem. I know how to eat well and clean. I do really well with it, but there is always a day that is tough. My emotions are high and boom! I overeat. Or eat something that is counterproductive to my exercise portion of this.

I am not into shame or the idea of cheating, so I am trying to get better at just moving on from those moments. That is how I dealt with them previously and I have to get better at doing it now. I just need to not REWARD or COMFORT with food. I love food and for me when I do those two things is when I find trouble.

I made it a full 16 days without a rest day. Finally, I took one. I had a tough day and a lot of hurt/stress and aggravation around me that was weighing me down. Instead of eating my way through it. I took care of myself via my diet and binged instead on amazon prime and watched four episodes of Homeland (current show of choice) in one evening. I was ready and pumped to get back to it the next day. This for me is a true definition of a rest day.

So yea want some proof of what I am up to? There are a couple of ways to do this. Follow me on my main instagram account @mommyrhetoric (You can follow that twitter too). I also have a fitness account for instagram that talks way more about my fitness @mommyrhetoric_fit . And as a unique accountability tool for me I vlog almost every single day at my Mommy Rhetoric facebook page. I usually have fitness tips there, but sometimes I am just real with you. So come see me….Like my page and see what I am up to.

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I just posted this as a reminder of where I started to where I am. I have to REMIND myself.

I was 210 lbs and now I am hoover in that 140-150 range. (My 10lb yo-yo) GRR! But I am not giving up. Here are snippets of my last 20 days.

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Accountability through FITBIT Challenges. Whether with friends, with myself and my goals. A lot goes down here including my calorie counts which are right around 1200 per day.

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My kiddos. They keep me accountable to as well by coming with me. Trying to keep up with them helps. Or just showing cool places I found. Like my hill….

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Yea I have walked up and down this hill quite a bit this spring. I doubted I could do running sprints on it. That was until I proved myself wrong. I did it. I did 10 of them. Yup I sure did. Sometimes you have to challenge yourself.

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But you gotta show up for yourself every single DAMN day!!! It doesn’t matter if  you have the cutest shirt, or your clothes don’t match. Sometimes it really sucks and sometimes you feel like Shaun T. But you show up. You don’t need all the space or your gym is out in the sun. But you do it! You do it over and over and over until you do it like you brush your teeth and brush your hair.

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Some days you eat super healthy and you love it. But some days you eat Qdoba and you even add a little gauc because it SHOULD NOT be a punishment. You aren’t bad. You are a beautiful human being who needs to take care of yourself inside and out.

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Just always remember your why because then love wins and even dandelions look like sunflowers.

-MR

WTH Am I doing now?

One of the people I work with told me two weeks ago about a challenge she tried and really liked. She knows me as I have spent the last two years sharing probably too much detail of my weight loss journey with her. But she tried it and thought I would enjoy it for a couple of reasons….but the main one the time commitment. It is 15 days and they are 20 minute work outs with no warm up or cool down…so roughly 30 minutes if you add in your own cool down and warm up.

trainerlindsey1Maybe you have heard of it. I had because I had actually saw ads for in my facebook because I am always looking at health stuff, so it is always sending those ads to me. Which basically means I am ignore them. 😀

But I came home and googled it. Trainer Lindsey’s 15 Day Free Challenge and I signed up. It is carb cycling by the best I can tell and is TRULY free. She does endorse a particular protein powder, but there isn’t pressure to buy. The recipes do sometimes include the powder, however, she offers substitutions.

That was important to me because my body reacts weird to certain protein powders. I have sincerely only found one that my body tolerates well and it is Vega. As well, I don’t always want a liquid diet.

So today is day 1 which she calls a flush day and so is tomorrow. But that basically means trainerlindsey2lots of fluids and lots of peeing. It also means restricted carbs. Thankfully, I have been really restricting my carbs since the new year anyway, so my system doesn’t feel entirely shocked. Ask me tomorrow I may change my mind.

The basics are meals are broken up into 6 meals a day with a guaranteed dessert part of your day. Everything is weighted and measured for eating. You get a full meal plan with recipes and so far…so good. However, as a word of caution I typically eat fairly good anyway so it doesn’t feel as it is much of a shock.

I won’t lie though the lack of carbs has slowed my roll quite a bit. I wanted to run today because it is 60 in February. However, I can tell you right trainerlindsey3now I don’t have the stamina without the carbs to do that. I may have had it if I went this AM first thing, but as the day has worn on…NOPE! But I have worked out three times. I took a long walk, I lifted weights and I did the Trainer Lindsey workout. So it is all good.

The workout does seem a little short to me at 20 minutes and I only had a 150 calorie burn with her workout hence the other workouts. It doesn’t seem or feel all gimmicky to me which sometimes these things can (Detox tea anyone?)

Her secret to lack of carb headaches….pickles. Eat all the pickles. Thankfully, no headache here. More than anything I wanted a quick, low-cal, midday snack….so pickles it was.

So yea I am doing another challenge again. I gotta keep myself interested per usual.

Week 2: Always Loses Its Umpfs! 

Week 2 of any program is tough. But-

“Persistence. Perfection. Patience. Power. Prioritize your passion. It keeps you sane.”

― Criss Jami, Killosophy

So your motivation is a bit harder to find, your excitement is waning and usually replaced by all the excuses why you shouldn’t exercise, eat healthy or put yourself first. You have to tell them all to shut up which is hard when you are tired, really want comfort food and want to just sleep.

But you show up for yourself because you told yourself you would.


On this day I tried a workout and did a repeat session because I hated it. 2nd time I still hated it.

Thursday was the 3 year anniversary of my guy’s MVD surgery. Things are tough there, but we are managing.

But I showed. I showed and I showed and showed. We gotta show.

Food & Sweat: Week # 1 Run Down

Well made it through my first week of diet and Core De Force. First off this program is amazing. Very few get up there for me like Shaun T. This one….I love it. It is MMA Fighting and I feel so strong and empowered. It is extremely hard and challenging, but I push through every single time. That means something. I tend to get bored easily in workout. I like to be challenged, but not the point that I feel bad about myself. Cause when that happens…I quit. Quitting here isn’t an option!

I am also doing weight lifting through hammer chisel when time allows usually three-four days a week. I love it too. I always see the best leaning out when I do this program. My bones protrude and my curves change. I like it. I also like how empowered I feel when I am doing these types of workouts. Basically, I like to work out. I hate it when I am in it and doing it…but I love the way I feel after.

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Pistol squats are literally one of my least favorite exercises.

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Flexing my best. 🙂

So this week was good. I did get some tough news this week. I didn’t respond by eating my feelings. I stayed on track and took rest days to rest my brain. I took two and I took them knowing my eating needed to be 100% on point and it was. My food this week has been my success. I tried new things and I tried to not get bored. Boredom also causes failure. I learned a lot.

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First, Aidell’s Chicken Apple Sausage is amazing. Scrambled with an egg or tossed with green beans even better.

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Zucchini Lasagna Boats. I made my family lasagna in the traditional way. Then I took two zucchinis and scooped the seeds out. I added about a 1 – 2 tsp of of my ricotta mozzarella mixture inside the boat. Then I added in the red sauce meat mixture onto that and topped with a shake of Parmesan flakes. This did not look near as good as it tasted. I did love it though!

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The way I succeed? I plan. I plan to a T to my workouts. When I have to miss one I plan my remake immediately. Somedays that means two workouts or sometimes it means it gets tossed all together. But I plan. My food plan isn’t as organized. I found last year when I did this that too much planning equals fail. I have options set up, so in a sense I plan. But I have easy option fall backs too!

Fitaversary: Year Two

Holy cow….I committed two  years ago to myself fully. To a dedicated 30 minutes to myself where I am first. Can I say it has been hard? Yup! Can I say I wish I was further in my fitness? Yup! But you know what? I did it. I am doing it. I woke up early today and texted my dear, sweet Kpuff a picture that I keep on my phone to remind me where I started. I will shorten and repeat. A late night text to Kpuff where I asked her to help me and that she did. A sign welcomed me to her house the next day from her kiddo # 2.

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EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. DAY.

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January 2015 to July 2016

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January 2015

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January 2017 (And yes be jealous of my elephant socks..you know you are…I am cold!)

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December 2014 to June 2016

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Ummmm some things have changed. I have truthfully lost track of inches, pounds and habits lost and gained. I could probably sit down and figure it all out. I have gotten a new phone, so I would have to dig it out of my blog. But I found myself getting too focused on what I was seeing in mirror that it became less about the process, so I try really hard to worry less about that and more about showing up daily someway for myself and feeling good.

The journey has been fun. I have changed in so many ways, but the best way is how I feel about myself most of the time. Am I happy where I am at? Not necessarily. Am I happy here? Absolutely.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Choose you. 

Over winter break I did hammer chisel. I needed a slower pace that didn’t seem like such an exertion, but gives you the workout you need. I pretty much ate what I wanted with the knowledge I have a few things coming up this spring summer that I needed to clean things up a bit after break. Weights are nice because you burn more throughout the day and I can physically feel and see my body changing in more dramatic ways than cardio every day. I feel like with cardio it is slow and steady. Again this is just my body’s reaction and it may not be everyone else’s. 

Anyway if you have read here at all you know how I feel about Autumn. To me she is that perky girl in school who ignores the reality of the world and is condscending to anyone who acknowledges the world may not be perfect. You know the constant “get over it vibe”. I don’t know about you and your world, but sometimes you cannot just get over it. I have truly valid and legit excuses for not doing a work out. They may not be to her and she may tell me it is about priorities and she is probably right. But on most levels our paths to success don’t cross. But Autumn….sometimes she says or does things that just click for me.

Her portion control containers. It is easy to me. Sure when you sit there and look at a bunch of colored containers it looks daunting, but it really isn’t. You don’t feel hungry and you don’t feel deprived. But more importantly…you don’t have to count calories. But I needed Autumn in a way I never have before. I know how to do the containers like the back of my hand. But the downside to eating however you feel like I did for two weeks is that you have to rein it in. 

Sounds easy right? Nope people. Sugar…carbs…chocolate they are all so addicting you guys. I had two attempts of reining in my eating and carbs since Thanksgiving. Two that lasted a day or two. I still ate good, but little cheats here or there. Little cheats here or there lead to bigger cheats and then it is a free for all. But as I did one of the chisel workouts she said something fast and flippant and I latched onto it. I didn’t immediately become moved or even think much of it. I just had one of those “huh” moments. 

She said, “Choose you.” It just so happened it was a seed and it planted itself in my brain. A few days later it was all I could think about as we headed back to school which means back to everyone in my house having a crazy schedule, it means a new drama production, it means knee deep in college and high school curriculum and to add in my guy’s TN has massively been ramped up. Choose you kept replaying in my head. 

Well guess what this little mantra has worked and hence my revolution of two years ago is now my choose you campaign. When I am looking at food choices….choose you. When I am thinking about doing or not doing a workout…choose you. When I am thinking about getting up a little earlier for a workout…choose you. See how easily it works? Nothing like a little guilt to make the right decisions. 

If it isn’t moving me to a better version of myself it is NOT choosing me. Sometimes that chocolate is choosing me. Or sometimes deciding to rest my body is choosing me. Basically for me it works as a time stop, or a pause on life, to look around and think. Then I can proceed with caution and thought about what is best for me in that moment. So yes….choose you. We could all do that a little bit more. 

Now I started the core de force program. I took my stats and have loved the workouts. Well I didn’t love dynamic strength which is basically every kind of hellish push-up they can throw at you. But I did it. I modified and quit a few times with that one, but I can only improve. I am hoping my stats and before pics serve to inspire. I know they will create a story. But I am gonna let my motivation move me forward here. 

Wanna know my motivation? Myself. I want to feel good. My family because it is always them. I am playing a teacher that gets married in our school musical, Emma, and I have to wear a white wedding like dress on stage in March. I am having surgery in June and I won’t be able to workout majorly for at least 6 weeks, so I gotta go into that with my game strong. 

But my biggest motivation is so I can look in the mirror and like what I see. I can tell when I give 80% or 0% or 100%. 

So here we go (if you can’t tell from my photo here), even if I do sometimes question why I do this to myself. 

I choose me. -MR 

A 3 year dip.

Have you ever heard of the three year dip theory? Don’t laugh at me, but yesterday I was watching Felicity (one of my favorite shows from the 90s and early 2000s) and one of the main characters talked about every three years your life takes a dip. I guess maybe that is where I am. This three year dip is way better than the last because my guy was having surgery and what followed was a year of depression and coping shortfalls. 

I think that is why I have struggled so hard admitting I am struggling because that was honestly the lowest I have ever been in my life and I definitely don’t feel like that. I think what happened is my work life balance is seriously displaced. I work too much and need to be more centered with my family. I let my general responsibilities take away my joy from the process and demand I placed on loving myself. I lost my footing on the balance and now I am just trying to regain it. 

What happened in that is I lost my way. I put all of my responsibilities ahead of myself. My REVOLUTION (less of me) fell by the way side and I know very well the consequences of putting myself aside means I can’t take care of those I love as good as I should. But the guilt is overwhelming on what I am pushing aside to take care of me. I just need a brain shift to the benefits of taking care of myself an how it allows me to take care of my people. 

What you saw in my vlog yesterday was that coming to a point. I recognized it and I spoke it. I am telling you right fitness and nutrition is so mental. Your head space has to be clear and I can tell you that I am addicted to caffeine in the worst way again. I have been struggling with digestive issues and stomach pain again. I hate taking the time to workout despite continuing to do it. All signs that I have placed myself on the back burner. 

I am not exactly sure how I got here again…but I am there. I am on a precipice of a health failure or success because of where I am at. I have got to trim down the caffeine, find my passion for exercise again so it doesn’t feel like such a chore and find a way to love the process instead of constantly looking for gains and losses. I am focused on the wrong parts and want to skip the process when I know damn well the process can’t be skipped. Loving the process is loving myself. 

If I don’t do these things, I run the risk of losing myself again. I can’t and won’t. I have worked too long and too hard. I just need to remember grace. Giving myself grace and finding grace and being patient gracefully. I may be busy with my family and my job, but that doesn’t mean I need to be last. Ever. I just need to keep reminding myself of this. 

Less of me or, MY REVOLUTION, never started as a race to see a number on a scale or looking perfect. I am afraid somewhere along the way I lost that. It was about love winning and loving the time I gave myself. I started it slow and with purpose and I didn’t weigh myself down with the particulars of the process. I just felt it and went through it and tried to love myself through it. One day I must have stopped and became tired, so I grabbed for another cup of coffee and another and then I convinced myself that my house chores or grading were more important than what I put in my mouth and I rushed through my workout. 

That is a damn dangerous game to play with my health. I know it is and I know where my addictions lie. They lie in calories, carbs, and caffeine. All of the things that in moderation are fine, but in stress and excuse run the risk of changing my best destination. So I am sitting here hoping that my revelation yesterday is a new starting point AGAIN. I don’t want to be setting lofty goals that I can’t reach. I want to show up for me AGAIN. I want to admit I am there AGAIN and in desperate need of loving myself AGAIN

Here AGAIN. -MR

Less of Me is All Mental

I made a proclamation in September of what I am shooting for and if I am honest I failed myself and you. I wanted to get down another handful of pounds. And I think I still do. But I kind of don’t or can’t or won’t. That is just kinda where my head is at.

I suppose everyone goes through this phase, but it sucks. I always and forever hate what I meoctober1see looking back in the mirror at me. No matter the amount of mental work I put in I can’t ever seem happy with what looks back at me.

I overthink comments made to me or the looks that people give me. Truthfully, I haven’t gained any weight. It fluctuates between 1-2 lbs gain or loss which I know is water, but because I am not making huge losses like I did a year or so ago I feel gross and fat. And I hate that.

I see pictures of myself and I just feel like a failure. I get into a perpetual state of working out and disappointed because my extensive workouts don’t garner 10lbs weight losses every week. I know for me this is dangerous territory because eventually what happens is “Can’t beat em’ Join em’.” That means a slippery slope filled with unnecessary calories and food that isn’t good for my mind or body.

There have certainly been an occasional slip or two which immediately sends me to the scale as if a starbucks coffee loaded with sugars and chemicals will make me gain 10lbs in 2 hours.

Why this is all alarming to me is something happened to me. I fell out of love with the process. Somewhere my focus has shifted from the day to day to the end goal despite my knowing that we don’t get there all in one day the same way we won’t gain or lose all in one meal.

I am just not sure how to proceed. I want to lose a little more. But I gotta find a way to handle the process mentally, so it isn’t a chore. I work out daily with one rest day. But I usually moan, groan and complain through it. I am glad when it is over. I get easily bored with my go-to foods.

img_2862Those two things combined make it just feel like another bullet on my to do list. It can’t be that to get where I want to be. I knew getting here and moving past it or maintaining would likely be the hardest part because I am forced to look in the mirror and love what I see without the changes being so drastic and obvious. The work now is on the inside to change the outside.

But for some reason. I can’t. I am not ready or I am not willing and truthfully I am not even sure where it is my head is at when it comes to it all. Running would be my way to work through it, but I am a fair weather runner. I hate running in the cold. Which really just serves as an excuse. And do you want another….I can go to the gym and run on the treadmill, but wahhhhh it is boring. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse. See my problem.

Where oh where did my love for the process go? I gotta find it and find a way to be okay with what I see looking back at me. In this picture all I see is all the stuff I still need to work on. Sad thing is I know no matter how much others tell me the changes are there, they see them…I have to see them myself.

Losing Weight Sucks. Once overweight…I feel like you are always overweight.

This sucks. – MR

I said no.

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Here is the dealio. I am 18 months into my “less of me” campaign and I think the one lesson I continually have to teach myself over and over and over and over is making myself a priority. I am a wife. Mom. Family member. Friend. Teacher. Student. A human. Many times the lines are not clearly defined on where I start and the rest begin and it is very easy to let them bleed. Ultimately what happens is I end up dead last and exhausted.

I think, “Oh I am still taking time for me by watching netflix.” Then two weeks pass and I am not eating as good as I can be or a I am half assing my work outs. I have to actively say no. I have to say it over and over and over. I have to practice it. My family is the hardest because I know they love me and want to see and be with me.

But the reality is this started as MY REVOLUTION with the base idea that I deserved a half an hour where I am out of commission to everyone else but me. I worked out because the half an hour of sweating, meditating, listening to music gave me the ability to show up 100% every where else.

Moral of the story here to have success you have to demand it. That means don’t give your precious time to people, things and places that don’t give you the same. Give yourself permission to say no. Your family will survive for a half an hour. You friends if they love you will make time when it works for you. Your family the same. Your everything else will fall where it will and you just gotta find a way to be okay with it.

I have been uber stressed, not because of bad things, but because it is the beginning of the school year. Because I have a high schooler, middle schooler and a elementary kiddo. I work a lot. I am a student. Yes I am stressed. But I MUST carve out time because if I don’t take care of me, who will?

Saying NO on the regular, -MR

If I can be honest for just a second.

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God sometimes I just want to keep myself in check. Never ever do I want a reader to walk away thinking this life…my life is easy. I mean losing weight is easy as hell. And here is the but…..there is always a but. In concept. In theory. In its idea it is easy. But the making it happen is hard. We complicate it. I complicate it. I bring to my healthy table years of bodily abuse. An emotional human being that uses food to connect with herself and others.

Today a student and I ran through all the foods we loved. I admitted. I am hungry. I felt mad and deprived. But the worst feeling of all was the thought going through my head. You are fat. You will always be fat. I sometimes wonder why I care so much? My girls love me for who I am not what they see. They see my daily struggles. My husband loves me so why do I make it so hard. It is hard because it isn’t about them. It is about me. It has never been about others…it has always been about me.

Then I remember the story I accidentally told my girls last week. The one where I admitted to my two older ones that as a junior in high school I “flirted with bulimia”. It was one of those moments where your mind leaves your body and tries to tell you stop, but by then it was too late. I giggled it off and told them my story of hiding puke throughout my bedroom. I made it seem like no big deal, but I went to bed and chastised my foolishness because nothing about the phrase “flirted with bulimia” is never not a big deal. My fears went from I gave them an idea then to my own doubt that I didn’t give the topic the seriousness it deserves.

I want a mom do-over. I am honest with my girls, brutally honest sometimes. I just feel like I want to talk to them about the things I wanted to talk about when I was younger. That girl “flirting” with an eating disorder was clearly crying out, so before they can I hope to at least let them know why I did this and we can talk about it. However, before that can happen I have to be brutally honest with myself.

I went on Spring Break in my junior year and my most beautiful beloved best friend and I wore our bikini’s proudly. We came back with rolls of pictures to be developed. My size 2 body was bloated apparently because I overheard a popular boy I was currently “dating” tell someone he was worried about me getting fat and he wished he picked my friend. He never knew I heard him. But I heard him and what happened next was three weeks of binge and purge.  I was truthfully fearful of how much power I felt I had in that moment when I could eat and then throw it up.

Thankfully, one date with him and he drooled everywhere (and no I am not joking) the germs grossed me out so bad from the drool that I never went out with him again. But his voice did its damage. So after thinking about that this weekend and my reasoning for allowing myself to remain where I am weight wise is always, “Well he is okay with it or they are okay with it.” I can see the flaw in my own body image thinking.

See this is the easy part….I have to be okay with it. I have to not give anyone that kind of power in my life or over me…even the people I love most on this planet. I didn’t flirt with an eating disorder. I flirted with absolute danger. It isn’t funny and it isn’t a story you tell your kids in passing. I need to correct it.

I still struggle you guys. I am struggling. The exercise is never the issue. I love it and I do it every day except for my faithful one rest day. But the eating isn’t always easy. Some days aren’t a struggle and other days all I can think about is what to eat next. You will not find perfection here. In fact, two weeks ago I was so gun-ho to tackle this last ten pounds. I did amazing and then I didn’t.

The wreck for me is my sleep and my own self doubt. When my sleep gets disrupted it all goes to hell in a hand basket. Then add in my own doubt and ability and anger that I even feel like I have to lose the 10lbs and it is a recipe for a mess. I am not gonna lie usually I refuse to beat myself up for the lapses, but the reality is that isn’t the case this time. I have been so damn hard on myself. Today when I was running all I could think of was how my fat jiggled or checking constantly to see if my clothes are too tight or I have gained. This behavior is just as dangerous as that junior puking in her bedroom.

But again my flaw is I worry so much about how I look on the outside to others. Never once did I think about how good I felt on the inside. The smile I had. The way I felt running and how far I have come as a runner, and I didn’t think about being proud of myself for the work I was putting in. Instead, I was in utter panic to tear myself down and all to eager to whisper worthlessness into my own ears.

So yea I am broken people. We are all broken. We spend so much of our lives finding others to put us back together when really all we need is to see we can put ourselves back together. That doesn’t require a number on the scale, a healthy salad for every meal, a sweat session that burns 350 calories every day. It doesn’t require anything from us other than to accept ourselves and love ourselves. It is simple….yet utterly complicated.

I know and hear over and over again it takes persistence, consistency and showing up every day. I just keep trying to remind myself that sometimes showing up every damn day may just mean the simple act of not hating what you see in the mirror that day and deciding to face the world.

What it does take though is a whole lotta love, grace and forgiveness.

Today I hate hate what I see a little less….I guess,  MR