Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
I am trying. So hard. – MR
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
I am trying. So hard. – MR
Nothing fits better after “lifting heavy” except an exclamation mark. So exclamation it is.
“It wasn’t until my late twenties that I learned that by working out I had given myself a great gift. I learned that nothing good comes without work and a certain amount of pain. When I finish a set that leaves me shaking, I know more about myself. When something gets bad, I know it can’t be as bad as that workout.” – Henry Rollins
Of course I worked out on the first day of the new year. I also wore my KISS shirt for my guy. Today I woke up reminded myself why I do this. For my Eich Party of Five. I got up put my pony tail in and did it.
Today’s workout was Day 15 of the Hammer Chisel and it was all about lifting heavy and lifting heavy I did! Beast asked if I was a hammer or a nail and I answered Hammer, not by my mouth but by my actions.
In effort to write more and observe less I am putting myself on a Facebook diet. Let’s just say for something I don’t really like all that must it is such a time suck. I will be posting to my fitness page only.
Gah with so many changes in literally every aspect of my life I feel like some one went and pulled the rug out from under me. Every where I look there is something different. Every thing I touch and feel is different. For this OCD sufferer that is the great creation of much anxiety. Thankfully, my OCD has been very well managed for many years now, so I can more easily anticipate the ebbs and flows of life and move past them.
My guy changing his job has been surprisingly calm. He is so much happier and more supported. Our schedules have all had to adjust and move around to accommodate but we have made it work. The part we didn’t anticipate was the reaction to it. I think it is just what my guy needed to see and feel. Teachers make an impact on the world (can be good or bad), but knowing that what you did positively changed others lives is such a reward for this job. It does make us all sad, but we also know that the level of stress has diminished greatly which hopefully means his TN symptoms can remain diminished once he is out of his seasonal remission.
The weight, the hair and the obvious physical changes are pulling on me so hard. I am finding myself screaming in my head I am the same person. I kid not when I say I can’t really go anywhere in public without someone noticing and saying something. And while I do appreciate the acknowledgement for the hard work I am running out of things to say. More than anything I get asked, “My secret” and my secret is always kind of disappointing. I eat good and exercise a lot is always met with a sullen, “oh”.
I am also finding raising teenagers to be a bit tougher these days for very personal reasons that I don’t necessarily want to share publicly. But I found myself kinda cocky on raising them thinking it has been incredibly easy and now it is not maybe so much. Thankfully, I work with teenagers that helps, but the heart hurts much more when they are related. If only we could keep em small and safe and protected forever.
I even got a new car. The good news is I see no bad in any of these changes whatsoever. None of them are going to drag any of us down. Instead, they will continue us on the path of purpose and fulfillment and letting love win and that is will always be my goal.
I just know one thing, I am so very grateful I get to walk this planet with my guy who holds my hand a little tighter when the world is a little scarier. It never fails I look over fearful of tomorrow and he squeezes tighter and we move on.
I think that is probably the biggest and most valuable lesson I have learned in my revolution. Things always changing and if they aren’t changing you are not moving enough. Sounds silly, but it is oh so true. I am in the process of adjusting and listening more to my body. I am doing this prepare for a busier schedule once school starts for me next week and because I was falling apart at the seems.
Since I have begun listening to my own body something awesome has happened. I have lost 5lbs and lots of inches. I feel better too. I have more energy. I do believe I wasn’t eating enough, but working out like a mad woman. I have been working out daily except for our rest day and then running about every three days. In those other days if I feel like it I will do interval training or I will just walk. Some days it is three miles or four and others it may just be a mile. Or if I am really crazy I will throw a bike in there or play softball with my softball team that I coach.
The aches that I had been feeling have all but left. I feel so much stronger and less drained. It has agreed with me so much more. More than anything I just listen to my body to decide what I can do. A lot of this happened after a very frank discussion with my doctor. For once my body is the healthiest it has ever been and I cannot jeopardize that by being stupid. If you would have told me in January I would weight and feel as great as I do now I would have NEVER EVER believed you. I imagine the same could be said for December or even January a year after I made the change.
These changes will not happen faster just because I decide to kill myself getting there. So yea patience is a virtue and another act of love for myself. A great example of love winning. Love always wins, you just have to let it. My revolution is no different.
Not sure if you can read that but 8 weeks ago my guy went for a run and as he was running I began to wonder if I could actually run. Kpuff and I used to do it quite regularly. I sat out on a adventure in my neighborhood and I struggled to run even a minute at a time. But I did it. I proved how far I had come since January. I never outwardly called it a New Year’s resolution. I still won’t. In fact, sometimes I refer to it as My Revolution (per my # 1) because in January after about two months of painful dental work, looking in the mirror and feeling like crap I realized things had to change. I was afraid though. It was so scary. I am not sure why because all it was was getting up and moving and trusting myself. It was thinking more about the things I put into my body.
I knew it needed to happen because my weight had ballooned over 200lbs. I have never said that out loud. Since I was kid 200 always had been in my mind as my stopping point. The point at which I say enough is enough. Earlier in 2014, I decided I would just live the life of an over 200lber and find my happiness. But then I see pictures of myself and I know that I was trying to convince myself that I was happy despite the universe telling me I wasn’t. I literally spent last summer trying to not sweat and no I am not joking. I am currently still on a weekly fluoride treatment to save my teeth from all the years of pop and abuse with poor dieting. Trying to save my teeth. But something in me changed when I stepped on the scale and saw 210. I text Kpuff that night asking if she was interested in trying something with me.
I cry thinking of how supportive she has always been to me and of course she quickly responded with, “Sure, Where do you want to do it?” When we were working out before she tried to get me to work out with her in the basement. I resisted on this idea it had to be done in a gym (not dogging gyms here you will see). I told her can we try the basement workouts and then see what we think and decide. I was giving us both an out. But what happened was magic. I loved the workouts because I could give my absolute all and not worry about how I looked or having an audience if I failed miserably. Before I knew it we had graduated from T25 and moved onto just random programs which I love the switch up. We threw 21 day fix in there after some progress physically and I taught myself how to eat and Kpuff again supported me and loved me up the whole way. I seemed to figure out the magical answer to weight loss for me. Portions. Good calories and physical activity. I found myself needing to heal whatever emotionally took place that allowed me to get this bad.
In May I began to run. I do my daily workouts with Kpuff and I give it 110% every single workout and then the running began to give me time to work on how and why I was staring at 210 on the scale. I am not sure that journey is entirely over. But what began to happen was I began to support myself and see and touch my own limits. I began to become my very own cheerleader and letting love win for me. I preach it, sometimes it is harder to live it. I downloaded a 5k program and began to train on it and would still run/walk daily to ensure I got the time to myself. Sometimes I listen to music (Eminem of course) and sometimes I listen to podcasts or Ted Talks. No matter what I have in my ears it is something that is making me feel better about myself.
The battle has been hard fought and it so far from over. But what has happened since starting my Revolution is I have come out of my shell. I started this process wanting to be inward and not have anyone witness this. To wanting to share it with the world and sometimes unintentionally sharing it with the world. And I am not dogging gyms but there was a huge value to me to see that all of my fitness has taken place within a mile of my home. I can say that because Kpuff lives about a half a mile from me. As well, all of my runs have been within a mile of my own home.
Along the way I have had neighbors come out and high five me and congratulate me for doing this. I have had many neighbors come out and compliment me on perseverance and focus by running in all elements and temps and being dedicated to it daily. They now get worried about me if they don’t see me. I have had teenagers make fun of me and I have had the mean neighbor lady who seems quite determined to run me over with her car. Each time I feel like she wants to play chicken as I round her drive way and she is pulling in. The bigger point here is I run with the possibility of others seeing me and not being ashamed of my body. This is huge for me.
But yesterday was a big day. Or I thought it would be. I knew I had one day left of my 5K program I have been working on for 6 weeks. It was running 3 miles without stopping. I thought the magic was in the air. Kpuff and I have been testing Insanity Max30 which is killer and I always put our workouts above my runs. So this weeks runs have been more jogs and walks and I was completely fine with it. But we took our rest yesterday so we could take kiddos to the pool. I thought for sure I would graduate the program last night because of the day of rest sitting by the pool. Then my guy said he wanted to sit outside and asked if it would be okay since I was running. I have a huge phobia of him seeing me workout and I am not sure. I kinda got over it last week when he saw me for a few and I threw an upper cut at him. But this was him sitting in our driveway and watching each and every lap.
It had the makings of one of those Rocky movie moments. I just knew it would happen. I was half way into my 4 lap run and I began to feel so gross. I felt pukey. I tried to push passed and as I ran passed him I waved. And I headed into the third lap and I made it to what I have deemed puke point. There have been a few times where I was sure I would barf and this is away from everyone and in a ditch. My stomach was in so much pain so I turned around. I walked back and my guy was so shocked to see me. I began to cry because I couldn’t hide my disappointment from him.
I did grab my phone which is a weird time to take a photo but I want to be sure I document this whole journey because it is NOT easy and I have worked so hard for each and every gain and loss. I snapped a photo. It was a raw moment. I felt disappointed. I was determined to sit for a few and let my stomach settle and took a tums and gave it 20 and tried again and immediately the stomach acid came up. I just quit. I went back and grabbed my puppy and took her for a walk and decided I would try again this AM.
I woke up determined. I am an English teacher so I relish often in the symbolism in life. The fact that today is the fourth of July and celebrates freedom felt like the perfect day to make this happen. And guess what…it did. I went out there and unlike my last run where I had to constantly tell myself to “handle it” and play Eminem over and over I did not have too. I went out there and remembered Shaun T’s advice. He always says, “When you feel like you want to quit, do more.” So I did more. I ran three miles ladies and gents. I beat my program and I went one step further and didn’t stop when it said I could. I kept running determined to run the full 5k without my warm ups in there. That moment is exactly why I have to do this. I have to do it because what it is doing for me emotionally far outweighs the physical aspects of weight loss. I am proving I can rely on myself and the things my body can do. I already downloaded the proceeding 10K app and I am not stopping. I am not going for a marathon.I am going for constantly proving to myself I can go so much further than I ever believed I could.
And with that since I have shared where I started this journey I am also going to share where it is now and my goals going forward. Please forgive me for such a long post but I have a lot to say and my weight loss posts where I overcome continually get my highest views. So it is time for reality and being even more accountable to myself and to you guys.
My Gains and Losses
This semester I am taking a really fun and thought provoking class. It is the rhetoric of social movements. I have been all over the place with my final decision in a topic. I started with health social movements (think ice bucket challenge) and then moved to educational movements then specifically to teacher’s unions. But then I had a thought yesterday why in the world am I not writing about something I am passionate about? It didn’t have to be aligned to my specialty or guiding in my field.
I began to think and wonder why not explore the social movements of food. Specifically, I found myself intrigued and interested in the this idea of how the social movements sometimes create an other or show privilege. If we look at access and those who fight for it or what we think of it as a society. I specifically focusing on cultural otherness with the food movement.
For example, if a person wanted to live a organic, vegetarian/vegan lifestyle they have to be able to afford it. Money alone denies or grants access. And yes it does cost more. Therefore, it creates a have and have not situation. Every single time I have gone down the diet/fitness road money and the need for it is always the first thing I have noticed. We don’t spend frivolously nor can we afford to.
There is much of our culture that is set up this way. Non-healthy foods are cheaper, easier to access and has the financial power to back it. However, because of social movements (the reason for this class) alternative options have been becoming more and more prominent. With more demand the cost should begin to make it more accessible.
It has also created an alternative to this social movement in the way products market to society. If they make it look more “natural” they can mark up the price and make it more appealing to those seeking out the alternatives. It is laden with deceit because then a personal assumes they are consuming something that aligns with their beliefs and values when really they unintentionally become a part of the problem of access.
So there you see my paper in a nutshell.
Stop it! And stop it now and I mean it. This is NOT about them. Or them. Or even them. It is about you. It is about liking what you see in the mirror, it is about noticing that girl that has been hiding for awhile. Sometimes she hid in behind a pepsi can or fat laden food.
But most of the time she just hid from the hard stuff. Well because it was hard. But stop it now. Life is hard and how is it you have deal with a tough life in literally every single breathable speak-able aspect but this one area.
The one area that is the most public and provides you the most notice…or lack there of. So quit hiding. And yes I noticed when someone pointed out your hard work that your first reaction was to try and hide it. As if losing weight is something to be ashamed of. Wasn’t it just you who said the 21 Day Fix isn’t about fixing anything? LIVE IT GIRL!
Less of me has never ever been about hiding who you are. Be proud. Be proud if you weigh 600lbs or be proud if you weigh 60. No matter what happens there is good there. But remember the purpose, the goal here is take a time of every single day to say to yourself.
You matter. And be okay with the fact that sometimes another work out feels like another work out. That doesn’t make it any less important or you any more likely to fail. The only way you fail is if you don’t show up and don’t do it!
And damn girl look at the picture again. You know the one…You passed by the mirror and you noticed. You saw the change. You felt pretty. You felt the efforts of your work. You didn’t just see it or feel it. You recorded it, so I know it meant something to you.
Be her. Be that girl. Not the one that followed 30 seconds later that told yourself you are so vain and the put the camera away. Yea shut her up. Journey on…..Love yourself because Love Always Wins! And girl get some sleep…you look tired!
January 10th – February 16th
Weight Lost: 4lbs
Inches Lost: 4 inches (only measured this the last week which means holy cow I lost 4 inches in a week)
Program: T25 w/Shaun T and gave up soda pop completely
Steps: 350,000/150 miles
How I feel: Honestly, this is me forcing myself to care about me. I am always the first one to give up on myself and I need to stop. My girls need me to be healthy as does my guy. It is time. Last time I went all health nut and got burnt out super duper quick. This time my goal is to have fun while doing it. I am doing that by being accountable with a friend. But picking to do stuff and eat stuff that is fun for me. And everything is a competition against myself. But nothing feels better than saying I have not had a pepsi in over a month. I have wanted to kick that habit in the worst way for the last five years and felt so powerless to the addiction. I am so super proud of myself and praying it continues to be as easy as it has. I have only had a few days where I was felt so close to giving in, but I did great by asking those around me for support.
First Goal: To lose 15lbs/up steps to 12,000 a day/Control Portion Sizes
2nd Goal: To lost 25lbs/up steps to 12,000 with elevation added/21 Day Fix Completed
3rd Goal: To run this summer
Ways to Achieve That:
Starting 21 Day Fix in March
Stay Positive and Accountable
Can I just say how good it feels to be spending some time on me? I made that commitment to myself as my new years do hickey. Finding myself in the chaos that is my life. I was functioning and surviving but not enjoying as much as I could or should! I am seven weeks in and I am so darn proud of myself. These are the changes:
Moral of the story is if I don’t take care of myself who will?
Day 5 No Pepsi
Day 18 T25 (Love my Shaun T.) Sweaty mess who really didn’t want to do it today, but put on her big girl work out pants and showed up
Grateful for friends who keep you accountable
Grateful co-workers who listen to you blab
Grateful for husbands who love you always
Grateful for daughters who keep you motivated
Grateful for students for who though they push you, they only make you better if you let them
Grateful for a body that even when I fall
Lets me get back up and keep trying
Grateful for a brain and a heart that can heal
Grateful for whole hell of a lot.
LOVE ALWAYS WINS!!!
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