Wondering why I run?

So three weeks ago I needed some peace. Work was crazy. Home life was crazy. I needed to get my daily burn on. I love, love, love listening to music in my ears. So I grabbed my phone, ear phones and told my E clan I was taking a walk. While on that walk I thought, “Hey, wonder if you can run.” I did. I ran a full minute. Not a huge deal, but I remembered something on that run about running and me. And that is the reward for doing it.

The crazy calorie burn is undeniable. The therapy that takes place because you are allowed quiet time to yourself. The strength and self esteem you gather as you overcome things you never thought/dreamed possible. And the crazy endorphins that happen because of a run. I can’t deny any of that.

I have had so many people ask me or even make comments to me about adding running 3459c19dbb339f65ce36fd2f9ec77b9cto my revolution. And most though well meaning are judgmental and sometimes hurtful. But the beauty in the revolution is that is it mine. It is no one elses. I do still workout once a day with Kpuff in particularly intense workouts. I do still watch my calorie intake fairly rigidly.

I have never publicly said my weight. I have expressed my loss and the shame for the amount of loss. But I knew and understood once my journey reached this point it was going to be THAT much harder. My body is used to this way of life now and any one that knows fitness and weight loss knows that you have to confuse your body sometimes to keep it burning and moving in the correct direction.

What I didn’t expect in that was the mental hardness. The reasons I am on this journey which have nothing to do with a scale, or what size clothes I wear. There are the scars on my heart that have left me grabbing for the ridiculous unhealthy foods that covered and masked hurts that I didn’t want to deal with. Scars that I placed there after years of telling myself I wasn’t good enough.

And no this is not some magical plea for a complete scattered mess of a life. In fact, it is just the opposite. My life is the healthiest physically and mentally that it ever has been. But all that food, and the weight it covered up are things I didn’t necessarily want to think about. The biggest is the need to put everyone else before myself and looking for validation that from everyone else that surrounds me, but myself.

That is why I run. It isn’t a journey I can share. It isn’t a journey that someone can go on with me. It is proving to myself that I can and I will do this. I mentioned in one of my less of me posts that I started a category on the blog titled one last thing. I always say my weight and health as that one last thing that I couldn’t but wanted to overcome. I believed by all accounts every single thing in this world I have set my mind to do I have have done.

workout2Sometimes I stand in awe of the strength I have to set my mind to something and do it. But for me this weight thing I just could not. In my three weeks of running I have realized the reason I couldn’t was because no one could push me through it. I had to push myself through it. I do a good job at work, I get a reward on my evaluation. I do good job as a mother, wife and friend and I get validation.

But no one is with me on a run. No one is with me as I stand on the scale and no one is with me as make the choices for my food intake. That is me. And I have realized there is no bigger critic of myself than me and I must stop that. For me running fulfills that need and it is a constant reinforcement that even the smallest decisions I make daily can change the outcomes.

I thank God every single day for Kpuff because if there is any part of this journey I can share it is with her. Most of time we are working out to hard to even talk, but we always show up. And even some days when we want to do anything but, we still manage to muddle through. If I didn’t have all those weeks of pushing ourselves never ever would I have even begun to deal with the rest of this revolution.

I am so very close. Ideally, I would like to lose 20-25 more pounds. People gasp when I say that, but I know that puts me where I can maintain a healthy weight. I have already been working really hard to deal with life in maintenance mode so I don’t slip back. And all of this is for that.

And everyday I run I notice one thing happens…my thoughts toward myself get kinder and kinder. I recognize the real me more and more.

STATurday Saturday Again.

It has finally gotten to the point where people are noticing in my everyday life. Those that don’t see me as much have been noticing awhile, but those that see me everyday I imagine the change was gradual. But now I am getting multiple comments daily from people. I still stink at accepting them or even acknowledging them. But I will get there because it has been hard work and sheer will.

I never realized how many indulgences I took until I realized how many are offered. Most of the weight loss is now centered around eating choices. Of course I exercise 6 days out of 7 but even on our rest day I make sure to ramp things up. Those are all conscious decisions I make daily to get me to there. For the first time since I have ever even dreamed of losing weight my goal seems reachable. So reachable in fact that I predict if I stay on course I will be there by September (maybe earlier).

Every single time I thought about this possibility in the past the amount of weight I wanted to lose seemed insurmountable, so I often quit before I tried. I decided to chunk my goal into three spots. Now that doesn’t mean I will be done with losing or working. For me, this will always be a process I am going to have to work on. I will still have another 10-15 to get me where I ultimately want to be. But the last chunk puts me at a healthy weight and BMI.

I figure then I can work on toning and maintaining and what my maintenance diet would look like.  I can see a few issues that are going to be harder for me to deal with. I am trying to be patient with myself before I make any decisions. But I won’t lie, the extra skin is going to be a vanity issue for me. I didn’t think it would, but the more I see it happening, the more I think I am going to struggle with it. It is disappearing more than I expected so yeah! But not as quickly and tight as I have hoped. My hope with with weights and toning that I can see where it lands.

29 inches

But are you ready for this…I have lost 29 inches since January. That is with the addition of 4 inches added in my arms and lower legs for the weight lifting. I struggled at first with that addition until I realized it ramped up my metabolism and my weight loss was even better. I have finally understood the purpose of weight lifting. I have shared before but I am finding I enjoy it for a slower paced work out that pushes me. How strong it makes me feel mentally is the best reward though. I am finally a girl who lifts weights.

My BMI has dropped 8 points. I don’t cheat. But again I hate that word. I choose to live and eat like this. Sometimes I cannot always accommodate it so I make sacrifices. Last night is a perfect example, our students had a talent show and I needed to eat. I eat to survive which is totally different than living to eat like before. That basically means I eat clean and healthy and low calorie. That means it processes quickly. I can’t skip meals because my body can’t do that. So with a colleague we ordered a thin crust veggie pizza and I didn’t eat a ridiculous amount. I even added some ranch (1 tablespoon) to it. As well, there was no water to be found so I had to have pop. Needless to say I didn’t miss it. It was not the best.

The reason that isn’t a cheat is because I had eaten low cal and healthy the rest of the day I still had a calorie count that was under 1000. That isn’t necessarily a goal, but proof that though it felt like a cheat, it wasn’t because I made good choices leading up to it. That is one of the biggest lessons of this revolution.

And can we talk a minute about calorie counting? I am not crazy with the calorie count. I usually do it for accountability and so I know. But this is the way I eat now that I don’t need to count my calories. Most days I do it so I am sure I get enough. That is a struggle for me sometimes especially in my proteins. As well, pasta can easily throw it all out of whack. I have personally decided to not have pasta. If I do it is very seldom and always in my yellow container from 21 day and it is as good as I can make it with whole wheat omega 3’s. I can tell in the way it makes me feel that my body doesn’t like it.

Now that doesn’t mean I swear off carbs. I have them in different forms than pasta. Usually breads, pitas, salads and they are usually good for me. I try and maintain a 1200 calorie diet daily, but I won’t lie it is usually in the 900-1000 range. That works for me right now, but the more I lose the more I need to amp that up a bit. I read a great article on why you shouldn’t drop below 1200 and I agree with it whole heartedly but I can’t find it now.

And finally I am sharing my proudest part of my body. I have built massive back/neck/upper arm muscles. Sometimes I will touch my neck or back and I am shocked. You may not be able to see it, but I feel it physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is my revolution! I am becoming who I am meant to be and who I always was.

arms_back1

My Truth.

“What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.”
Plutarch

You see my instagram and probably think I am incredibly comfortable in my own skin. But no. Each of those sweaty daily selfies you see are one of quite a few. One with three fingers placed just in the right places on my face. Places I hate looking at in the mirror. Extra skin. An ugly mole.

Slowly but surely I am getting more comfortable letting the facade drop. I hit another MAJOR goal this weekend. I have three set for weight loss and I hit round two. That means ladies and gentleman I have one more round to go. And to say this scares me is an understatement. What is next? I still hate the things I see. I still struggle seeing and ending.

Regularly I am proving to myself just how strong I am. To me that seems so selfish and self centered especially on a day like today. A day that is about mothers. I have three children and one in heaven and a husband who suffers from chronic pain. And I have time to work out daily? And I have time to snap a daily selfie after said work out? And I have time to shop and prepare all that healthy food? How many times before all of this have I thought “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 100’s.

The reality is I have to make time. I have to try and not feel guilty for putting myself first for just a little bit every day. I have to remember I am raising three girls and that it is my job to show them to not only to care for their bodies, but to love them and push them to their max and prove to themselves every day they are stronger than they can ever imagine.

Too often in the past I have taken that responsibility lightly. But no more. They need to see that to care for others you MUST take care of yourself. This isn’t where I have been the majority of my life. I spent much of that time believing I wasn’t worth the effort or the time.

I hid behind layers of clothing and pounds in hopes of disappearing into nothing. Too often I rewarded myself with foods. Stressful day = pizza or ice cream. Special day = pizza or ice cream. The rewards would be three square meals a day and two snacks.

StrongBut not now. Now the rewards are feeling strong. This picture here shows just how strong I feel. I am no where I want and need to be, but damn! I am changing my body right before my own eyes. Those muscles in my legs. My waist is a waist. How can I not feel strong from this.

Instead of seeing this as, “I have to eat….” or “I have to work out…” I now start my sentences “I want to eat this way” or “I want to work out.” That is not just body transformation but mind transformation. And it is my truth.

The hardest part of that though is sharing the whole truth and the more I take down the weight the more embarrassed I become sharing my number because I feel shame. Shame I let things get that bad. Shame I cared so little for myself. And I have so learned it is about so much more than numbers. It is about how I feel. And if you want to know how I feel look at that picture. I feel STRONG. I feel IN CHARGE. I feel like anything is possible. I feel healing.

Want some more proof?

Transformation

The first picture is December 2014. The second is March 2015. The last is today. A shirt that no longer fits and a jeans I had to hold up with one hand. Ironically as strong and proud as I feel; I hate sharing this. But I want to. I want to be truthful. This is my truth and I have to try and own it.

And my truth is this: If you eat right and take care of your body the rest happens naturally.

Love is winning again. To love myself is to find myself. My truth.

 

It will never be just that.

“It’s OKAY to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.”
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

bsu2As my gps mumbles out at me, ‘Turn right in half a mile and then you will be nearing your destination.” I feel it bubbling up to the surface. I mentally try and tell myself “stop”. This is normal. People do this all the time. But I can’t. I don’t do this all the time. I feel little like Mario when he hops for the flag pole. A dream, hope and want realized.

The tears flow. I don’t care. Maybe other people have done this and maybe to them it was just. But to me it won’t ever be just. It is a belief and hope for better things for me and my family. Not financial gains, but spiritual, emotional and physical ones. It is the dreams, hopes and gains that my family and my family’s family often dreamed of. The ones from other suppressed countries or even suppressed mindsets in a society that says you are this or that. It is deciding I will never be this or that, but instead I choose what I am.

I would love to say as I explored each building and place in my new habitat that it was just a building or just place. But each and every single place was a tiny bit of symbolism for this new life, new endeavor and challenge I am placed on. The people are all new faces with new names. They know my name, but I don’t know theirs. I will though and I imagine some will be my gatekeepers and assets to this new role.

In high school, I always felt awkward and I followed what other kids were doing.  They didn’t really care about school, so I didn’t.  I did the things they did and I felt like a follower. It always felt off some way. Finally, when I finally went to college at 22, I realized who I am meant to be and I am finally her. I am finally okay with being more than just and being vocal bsu3with being more than just. And following no one.

People wonder how or why and I often wonder that myself. But I found out back then I liked the challenge. I liked the challenge to my thoughts, principles and shaping my beliefs. When I was 18, I went to college down in Indy. I stepped into my first few classes and was so overwhelmed. The campus was so big and scary. All the unknowns. All the strangeness of a new place, new smells and a new community that I did not feel a part of.

I quit. I quit so I could work a little over minimum wage job. I worked really hard to get a better job and worked even harder for a promotion or two and I really liked what I did. But there was something about that decision to quit that stuck with me and that decision made in fear and the failure I felt from it. That fear has fueled this passion and drive for more and more.

I do hope that it is enough that once I reach that goal, that threshold, that I know I crushed that girl who made a decision based in fear back then. And that I finally allowed my fears to drive me. And I can tell you this first official visit to campus as a PhD student I conquered that. I had been there before, but never as this.

bsu4I walked on a big scary campus, with all the different people, places and vocabulary and yes I was afraid just like I was back then. But instead I pushed it back and realized that it was that fear that drives me. That fear that says none of this experience will just be that. And more importantly I will not let it. I am not just getting my PhD. I am doing something. I am pushing passed the hard stuff that tells me I can’t. I am ignoring the voices that say, “It is just school” even if it is my own voice.

I realized during my visit I am driving this ship and I am the captain. That has never been the case most of the life. I mean sure I got to make decisions in my personal life. But I am talking professional and academic. You go to school and they tell you what to study and for how long. They even make up sheets of paper on it. At my previous campus your “bingo sheet” is your map.

And yea my PhD program has that, but it is so different. I decide. Does it benefit the end result? Does it accentuate what it needs to, will you cover the territory you hope? I make that ultimate decision. I make the decision. And yea I have an advisor, but I am the captain. And for the first time in my short three years since deciding my professional path I didn’t quietly own my job or goals in this field.

I owned my job as a high school teacher loud and proud. I owned wanting to tell the narrative of the non-traditional student. I owned wanting to talk more about early college writers and the transition from high school to college. And I never kept quiet because I was ashamed, but more because I didn’t feel like engaging in a fight where they wouldn’t change my mind anyway. In many college settings my school is seen as the enemy or as taking students, which lets just be honest is money. I have been afraid to tell other academics I choose to work in k12 and the early college concept because when I do all the sudden I am the enemy.

And I am not. The true enemy is a college system that has student loan debt at an all time high. Students cannot leave school without massive amounts of debt weighing them down. When you compare the cost of college and amount of support students get to other countries academic make ups for college ours is kind of skewed and dare I say antiquated or even inflated. Therefore, if I can be a part of the process that lets students afford college and students who likely never considered college then yes please sign me up. But that is another fight for another time.

Yes, I am nearing my destination and this travel will be long and hard and fraught with many moments of doubt I am sure. But as long as I always see it for what it is I know the finish line is around the corner. It is my dream. It is my goal. It is my love. It is my passion. It is my word. It is my conquering a fear. And it will never be just that.

 

Day 7 – A way of life.

Alright a day worth blogging. I skipped day 6 because it was pretty uneventful. I would say the hardest part about this figuring out foods good for school and going to the grocery. My options this week were wonderful but ran out toward the end of the week at school. So I found myself just not eating so as to not "give in" to my old ways. Thankfully, my school had a fairly clean meal on Friday because it was the break I needed. The choices were healthy and a change of pace from my stuff from home. 

If I haven't made myself clear, let me do that. My goal here is less about weight loss. First things first I had a horrible, horrible caffiene addiction. A few years back I got extremely active and physical and lost a ton of weight. Then I started my current job and I needed caffiene bad to function as a graduate student, mom, wife and teacher. I got myself into such a rut.

F04b8741c5723bcf64b529df94e3cb83Finally I decided at the end of the year I decided to try and kick the habit myself. I had done it in the past for my pregnancies and because I didn't like how reliant on it I was. But August rolled around and I still NEEDED it. I was embarrassed because I told my co-workers I was giving it up and I didn't. 

Then I started school and it was day after day of crash, sugar high, crash and sugar high. Throw in the headaches from that and my own psychological need for caffiene and sugar and I knew I had to do something. And here I am. I am on day 7 of my changing my life with a product I believed I could use to help me eliminate the caffiene. And now I am on day two without an ounce of caffiene in my body. 

THAT IS HUGE!!! When my co-workers heard me talking about my pop need they said I sounded like an addict. And I did because I was. During my weight loss journey a few years ago I changed our eating habits. Some of it was because I was trying to eat and live better, most of it was because Kyle had heart issues. We spent New Years Eve in the hospital thinking he was having a heart attack. He ended up having cardiomegaly which is basically an enlarged heart. Since then we have been very committed to a healthy eating life. 

We don't feed our girls nor eat a lot of processed foods ourselves. I am proud to say my girls are veggie lovers even the green ones. In fact, they love the green ones. So I knew my weight not going down was from the pop I was consuming. It could easily be a 24 pack in a week. I am embarrassed to say this, but it is the truth. 

I know I will never go there again. But what Advocare and this attention to this has helped me to do is pay more attention to what I am buying, what I am consuming and deciding if I am really hungry. I am realizing half of the time I am really just thirsty. 

I cannot say that after the 24 day challenge is over that I will be skinny and sexy. In fact, I am not sure I will ever say that because I have never really been all that worried about it. My guy has always known me this size or bigger and he thinks I am pretty sexy. 

I do know though that it has created a thinker in me. Today we went to the movies and I was hungry. I was bummed because I hadn't been to the store yet. I was so scared that once I was there I would be tempted to eat junk. The kids all got their favorite candy. But I relented. Then I saw they had another option for me…. GOPICNIC meals. Have you seen these? I have had them before but they have new meaning now. It was so yummy and I felt just as satisfied as I would have with m& m's or popcorn. 

The question remains will I be one of those annoying healthy people that shove it down your throat? NO. I think everyone is beautiful and the choices they make are their choices. I don't want anyone to tell me there was a better way than Advocare for me. Because it worked and I feel great. That is NOT something I thought would happen when I gave up caffiene because in the past when I have I feel horrible. I have felt great every single day. That is amazing to me. 

Wins for Today

  • Realized I love hummus even more than I thought I already did
  • Admitted I kind of love Almond Milk and Raisin Bran with added Flax Seed
  • I can be strong in the face of strong smelling movie popcorn
  • I miss my water during the school day

Losses for Today

  • Honestly none. 

Nanowrimo – Say what?

Hey did you know I like to write? Wait no! I love to write. Growing up I wrote all the time. In college, I wrote all the time. Actually it is probably better to say when wasn't I writing? Writing has always been an outlet for me. I cannot really remember a time in my life when I put the pen down or the stopped pushing the keys. 

NanoIn my sophomore year of college (hello 2004) I started hearing of nanowrimo. It is a writing project where you are to write 2000 words daily and by the end of the month you have a novel. A friend asked me to do it with her and I trudged through mostly because we were in a creative writing class together and it helped to tackle some of our assignments.  I didn't always follow the rules, but in the end I did it. I am not 100% sure I am happy with the way my whole novel turned out. But have wanted to do it since but had a few babies, classes and things since then. It slowed me down. From there the idea of it pretty much died and I never really did anything with it again. 

So last year I had a student who tried to do nanowrimo and she wanted me to do it with her. I knew I couldn't. I couldn't because of working full time and a full time graduate schedule. I felt horrible saying no but I promised to encourage her on. Therefore, I knew this year I would have to pony up and do it myself. I had to not let anything else get in my way. 

So when I announced my 20% project in my class I made a promise to her I would do nanowrimo with her. I didn't promise that I would complete it or do the best that I could. But I did promise her that it would be my 20% project and I would try. 

Now November is looming and I am quite excited. I am eager and have been bouncing around characters. And don't be surprised (those that know my writing or have read some of my previous stuff) if Sophie makes a reappearance. She is coming out in the fore front every single time I try and think it all out. 

Alas, I am writing again….get ready!

Days 4-5 Awwww Yeahhhh!

Days 4-5 went much more smoothly than three. I even had parent teacher conferences (otherwise known as the longest day ever in the teacher's contract year) and we had some awesome food brought by our PTO. It was so amazing. But I had salad. Salad, no dressing. But you know what? I ate lots of it and it was yummy! 

It was hard but also easy. It showed me that I have way more power over this than I ever thought I could or did. I am not really drinking spark. Sometimes I will sip a little but usually not. I am still me. The kids (my students) have been shocked by just how much I am "normal". I crack up them today. 

Although I have been getting lots of jokes about being grumpy when I am asking for them to just be quiet. Ha! 

Anyway feeling good. Eating clean. Moving onto day 6. Holla!!!!

Day #2 And the Big Oh No!

Well today's post will be short and sweet mostly because the details are well I will let you be the judge. I did all the stuff I was supposed to do and the rumbles started. Thank goodness for a 2 hour delay. 

I ate an excellent breakfast of 2 hardboiled eggs and a banana. The rumbles continued. But finally settled by the time I got to school. I determined to lay off the fiber part of this all that it was just aggravating the IBS too much. I followed the rest to a T. 

I have to be honest. I feel good. Not exactly I feel great. I don't really want to say how much I
Stomachache_l have lost at this point because I am worried it is "water" weight given the circumstances. I love the program but I am struggling with the side effects. 

I did really good till almost through the whole day today and then again with the rumbles. I feel and looked visibly ill. I love what it is doing for my body and but I am struggling with what it is doing to it at times. 

I am not wanting to quit nor will I. But I am trying to figure out how I can get it to be the "gentle" cleanse. But I expected as much. My body always reacts very indifferent when challenged.

I ate left over salsa chicken tacos for lunch and tonight had spaghetti squash spaghetti. I am not eating near enough I know. But I am trying. I cannot eat enough fruit or veggies to save my life. But I am trying.

So wins for today

  • I stuck it out and don't want to quit even though IBS is trying to rule
  • I just told my students the truth and I got overwhelming support and love 
  • Girls are quite proud of me
  • No pepsi for day 2
  • Tons of water was drank by me
  • I feel amazing

Losses for the day

  • Too many bathroom trips
  • Stomachaches 
  • I stand in front of 30 kids at a time for most of the day which proves interesting with a stomach ache

Day # 1 Or the Day My Insides Cried

I was eager and excited to start this new adventure. So excited in fact that I stayed up till midnight with my guy and KPuff and had a horrible no good for me dinner, a glass of wine and a can of pepsi. I woke up and was anxious to start this. #2 was anxious for me too. I am not sure what she thought
566a815d9764574d37792bdd39d52281 would happen but I can tell she wants to be extra supportive, so I had a challenge partner in her. 

I had an mandarin Spark and it was okay. I am not a huge orange person, so it was good. But I did take comfort in having caffiene and felt a little more able to cope with the day ahead of me because of it. Soon after it was time for the fiber drink. And I am gonna be honest here…FIBER DRINK SUCKS! It is so thick and so just ick. I watered it down and guzzled down a full 8 right beside it with each gulp. I only heaved and swallowed it back three times. # 2 had quite a giggle fest from that. 

Eventually it was time to eat. Thank goodness for Pinterest and hardboiled eggs. I couldn't even do all I was supposed to for my breakfast because of the darn fiber drink I am guessing. So I saved my peach for my morning snack. After that morning snack it became a bit more of a struggle. I think my body realized it was not getting it cans of pop. I jumped in a hot shower and that helped. 

By the time I was ready it was time to spark again and this time I had the fruit punch and I loved it and had no problem guzzling that down. About a half an hour later it was time to have some salmon and quinoa and broccoli. It was okay. I am not in love with salmon but thought I would try it. 

Soon after that I started feeling pretty sluggish and tired so I climbed into bed and took a snooze. Not bad, just sluggish. My addiction is bad so I was expecting this. It isn't the product it is my poor beverage choices. 

Unfortunately, after this I grew pretty uncomfortable and had massive bloating. I worried the cleanse part of the this thing would strike because of IBS and it did. The darn fiber drink is a struggle and I knew it would be. But it did settle down and I am okay. 

Time for another snack so I had some nuts. Emerald makes some awesome options here that are natural and good for you. So I had one of those and a few grapes. I felt like I needed the sugar. 

DietAnd because it is a rainy sunday and my #3 looked so cozy I climbed in bed and cuddled her and took yet another snooze. But I liked it and could. 

And now to dinner. I am making salsa chicken a recipe I got from one of my FB friends who is a clean eater. Basically, baked chicken with salsa poured on it. My salsa is natural and has no sugars or anything extra that sometimes can sneak in there. That was a treat to find. I am making enough for lunch tomorrow at work too. I am going to have a lettuce taco without cheese and with black beans. I am actually kinda excited for it. 

Overall, I am not gonna lie the hours of 2-4 were very hard. I contemplated if I could really do this. My stomach hurt and my head was hurting. But a nap with my girl gave me some perspective. It isn't that bad. Yea I don't feel the best, but I also feel better than I do every single day since I have been battling my pepsi issue. Therefore, I know I can do this. 

I know it could drastically change tomorrow. I imagine day 2 and 3 to be the hardest. But I think it will help being at work. I will have less time to think about it and dwell in what I am not having. I will also not have the girls foods tempting me. 

Wins for the day: 

  • No pop
  • Currently holding steady at 90 oz of water
  • I don't feel near as bad as I thought I would
  • My guy is an excellent support although he thinks hugs and kisses make it better
  • I love Spark and see it as an alternative to ever going back to pop or coffee
  • My # 2 is making a diary of this and that is just super cool
  • I am one step closer to a non-caffienated me which is the ultimate goal

Losses for the day: 

  • Upset stomach that disrupted my plans to take my girls to movie
  • Upset stomach that I can't have tomorrow
  • I really do want a pepsi
  • Slight headache
  • And the fact that I hate water…no I really hate water
  • And that nasty no good fiber drink

My insides may be crying, but they certainly weren't jumping for joy with all that sugar and caffiene from pop. I know I just gotta get through this and I know I have been through worse. Remember me after my surgery. The mystery illness that lasted for a little shy of two months. Yea that was feeling like dirt and muck! I am not there. In fact, I am not even close to there. 

One Last Thing # 2

“So early in my life, I had learned that if you want something, you had better make some noise.” ― Malcolm XThe Autobiography Of Malcolm X

One last thing I forgot to tell you in my last round of "One Last Thing" is that I am doing something about it. Originally, I had intended on sharing with no one. That was for two reasons with the first being that I didn't want others opinions of what I was doing and the second because I am not 100% I can succeed which could lead to embarrassing myself. 

But I have since changed my mind because the closer this "thing" came around the more I realized I am gonna need a whole lot of support. I also realized it will also give me a chance to keep it real (aka be accountable). I have always done that in person and in the internets. So what is it you ask that I am doing, right?

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I am doing Advocare's 24 Day Challenge. About 6 months ago I started hearing a lot about it. I also talked with my doctor about it and their program, Ideal Protein. Both were very similiar. He had nothing but wonderful things to say about the program. There was one downfall though. Both were a time and financial committment. 

As well, I had to wrestle with my own beliefs on dieting. I don't do fad diets. I have in the past and I hate the way they make me emotionally and psychologically feel about myself. A huge part of losing and gaining weight will always be psychological for me. As well, toying with my diet means toying with my head as in migraines. I pretty much can trigger a migraine by peeing at different times in my day. So imagine my fear when I don't eat normal or drink normal. 

But the buzz I was hearing on both programs both from users and experts (doctors and nutritionist) were saying these programs were legit and more about a body reset and change than a fad calorie count type of thing. I had no interest in that AT ALL. I began discussing it with my guy who is leary of everything and had him check them out and he came to similar conclusions as myself. 

I just kind of sat on it for a few and finally I think my Advocare person I was checking out realized I was getting nosy into the program and contacted me. We talked about my concerns and then I sat on it even longer. Then school started and my caffiene/pop intake tripled. I am currently feeling so sluggish and unable to get through a day without multiple cans of pepsi. 

I am not okay with that. I have tried to give it up by myself and cannot. I also am having horrible acid reflux all day from the constant carbonation. It just so happened I had an doctor's appointment a week ago and we could revisit and he convinced me I would feel 100x better going with one of these programs. 

I knew I couldn't do it alone and I begged KPuff to come along with me because I needed someone to comiserate with. She and I often tackle tough things like this together and I know she has been feeling similarly to myself lately. 

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We committed and ordered the expensive product. I have been even more intimidated since it arrived but I am ready to try it. I am ready to commit myself to this for 24 days. 24 days is not a long time. I also have really tied this into the fact that my birthday is in a little more than 30. I deserve this. I deserve to feel better and tackle this one last thing

There are two major concerns I have but I have talked to multiple people about them and I feel fairly confident that I can handle them. That is the kickback headache that will surely happen from the caffiene and sugar addiction. This can and will likely turn into a migraine for me. My doc seems to think it will be a manageable one. As well as others who have tried it agreed they are manageable. The second is my IBS. I have lived my whole life with IBS and it isn't all that teacher friendly. If this causes a flare up I will have issues. But again I have heard everyone say just the opposite. 

The worst thing that will happen is I lose a little weight and realize the product won't work for me because of my headaches and IBS. The best thing that could happen is I relieve myself of this caffiene addiction, I feel better and I lose some weight.

It is worth a try for me. The money has been spent. All I have to do now is dedicate myself to it and I plan to blog through out. So wish me well.